I don’t really know where to begin with this. Ever since I was a pre-teen I was obsessed with sex, this may or may not have been due to childhood abuse but either way it was part of me. And to be honest I did enjoy being sexually empowered, in those situations when I felt I was in control of my sexuality and not being pressured into it. To put it bluntly – I like dirty, hot , messy, hard sex. But that doesn’t mean that my mind is in the right zone for it.
For the past 3 years I have either been in pain during sex or sexual contact, or mhy mind will drift away during sex, or I may black out and dissociate. This has all added to it being difficult for me to enjoy sexual pleasure or feelings and I’m guessing due to childhood abuse has made me feel embarrassed as if sex is something I should be ashamed of.
This has slowly started to improve with my current and last 2 partners. Its only over the past year that I have begun to slowly open up and let my body enjoy sex. This is important. I don’t want to continue my life associated sex with abuse and letting it impact my physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, aswel as the effects that not being able to relax during consensual sex has on relationships.
I guess the best way to improve at something is practise.. and practise can be fun if you can think of ways to enjoy it. But I do not want to force myself into thinking about enjoying sex, I guess it will come back slowly over time and with care and nurture.