today i had a pretty enlightening conversation with both myself and my counsellor
i came to the realisation that most of the relationships i’ve had pretty much have just involved me attempting to ‘save’ relationship and most of the time i probably really haven’t actually had many real feelings for the said person involved. also most of the time, these relationships were really just a set pattern i was used to , which made me feel comfortable, even though they were/are harming me mentally.
another thing i realised is that i am probably substituting my relationship with my mum, with these toxic relationships. and by wanting to so desperately fix these relationships (that i do not actually want) i am subconsciously trying to fix and control the relationship i had with my mother.
it’s taken me a few months to admit this to myself, now i have to somehow accept this information and work on it and myself. i’d rather not be doomed to this never ending cycle forever
I remember when i first started sleeping with my fwb. to be honest it probably wasn’t the best idea, not that I regret it, but most likely wasn’t the smartest decision i’d ever made. long story short, when you’ve left an emotionally abusive relationship think twice before engaging in ‘no strings attached’ sex, because your mind is most likely not going to be on the same wavelength as your clitoris..
anywho.. so yeah I used to get really jealous and worked up for reasons i couldn’t place. i wasn’t emotionally attracted to my friend in a romantic sense, but that still didn’t stop me from feeling insecure and insignificant compared to his other partners. i don’t think this was due to the fwb set-up, but most likely unresolved issues from my family life and my parents relationship.
when a child isn’t presented with a good model for relationships and is instead provided with manipulation, threats and fear, this is the only model the child looks to.
so i’m not surprised that many of my past relationships have been destructive and co-dependent. i can’t actually remember one healthy relationship I’ve had in the past. it was either emotional manipulation or constant conflict. also the fact that I’ve been cheated on or left for another person in every past relationship doesn’t help. It’s a pretty funny joke if you look at it from that point of view..
But I don’t want to create self-fulfilling prophecies in any relationship i have right now and may or may not have in the future
change is scary and it’s also difficult. it’s easier to remain in the same patterns you have known and created in your past than to turn around and learn from your mistakes. i have a little more hope for the future in regard to relationships and hopefully I’ll be brave enough to come out of this self-destructive pattern that i cling to so tightly. I also aim to stop reading crap dating advice.
i went slightly off track but back to the title..
when i got stressed i took an interest in meditation. during these intervals of 10/20 minutes i began to calm down and think clearly, seeing that situations weren’t really as awful as I’d imagined them to be during my bouts of anxiety, but recently meditation hasn’t had the same effect on me.. or perhaps i just need to meditate more. some heavy duty relaxation is required..