my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘relationship’

28th May 2014

(I didn’t have a title for this blog post, I only have the date on which I made the notes for it)

Of recent I have been scoring in the 40’s and 50’s on my moodscope. These are the highest scores I have recorded on there since last May when I started to record my mood. The beginning of my highest scores ever began on the 28th of May, which is a far cry from this time last year. I have a picture that I drew on the 29th of May 2013, when I believed that my little sister was about to die. I drew the angel of death. I think that picture was one of the darkest that I have drawn. I still have it on my wall, I think it is important to acknowledge the feelings that I had at that time, but to also take into account that all is well now.

I have a habit of not wanting to come home. I think this is linked to the fact that I feel as if home is not a place that I want to come back to. ‘Home’ as in the sense of the childhood home that I had no choice but to go back to. I am trying to make sure I make the journey back home when I go to visit friends, I think it is important for me to feel as if I have a place that I can go back to, which is safe and which is my own space. Safety and personal space is a thing I am working very hard at attempting to create. I think it will help in the journey of attempting to heal from never feeling safe during my childhood. I remember being at home and dreading the sound of either my mum or dad coming in through the door. The locking myself up in my room and pretending to sleep. Even not eating because I did not want to be around anyone. I still do that now sometimes when I feel particularly low. I lock myself up in my room and don’t eat for days. It doesn’t do me any good and I am punishing myself due to the actions of others.

I have actively been doing more personal work. I think I am getting better at connecting with myself as opposed to just writing streams of misery and dwelling in that misery. I miss myself, I had a very close relationship to myself when I was younger, I suppose I had to, nobody else did. I think this relationship is important and I am working on trying to mend this relationship and get it back. I am recognising that the self- help that I am doing has contributed to this and now I want to be able to feel strong in the confidence of myself and know that the work I am doing is having an effect and is making me stronger.

In regard to my improvement in Moodscope scores, it is not that I have been feeling fantastic, I think it was mainly me being honest in my feelings that helped me to improve my mood. I think a big contributor to depression is the fact you become numb to your own feelings and you forget that you have any or pretend that nothing affects you. I think this just works to make you further depressed. Of recent, due to the CBT iIhave completed, I think I feel a bit safer in attempting to be honest in how I feel with people that I trust. I think this is important, it allows me to get things off my chest and it allows me to remember that I have people that I can talk to if I need support.

I ave become resigned to the fact that I probably have to get used to doing a lot of writing from now on, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. I think for me writing is a release, it is the first way that I am able to get thoughts out of my head and in time this allows me to speak about these thoughts. Writing makes the thoughts real which can be scary, but also helps me to evaluate and process my thoughts. Writing in my personal diary aswel has also helped me greatly and I often feel better for writing things down in a place that I know is for my eyes only. Although I still have the fear someone will read it against my will. I think this also stems from childhood and having no privacy in my house. Now I am an adult and I am entitled to privacy and nobody can take that away from me.

 

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unlawful imprisonment

you’d think that if someone was finally able to recognise emotional abuse and manipulation in their family for what it was, they’d be able to let go and ignore the self-criticism that inevitably becomes embedded in them.

my family life hasn’t always been that bad

until i was about 10/11 i think it was my mum and i used to live on our own. we weren’t rich but we had a nice life kind of. my mum always had to work nights and did odd jobs trying to save up to fly my dad into this country, help him get a visa etc etc.

i remember when i was little i had this little fairy tale in my head. i remember a dream i had. my dad was here and i was on his shoulders and we were walking around and he was the best daddy ever and everything would be great when he came to london and lived with us like a proper family.

i feel sorry for my mum. it must have ripped her apart after all those years of waiting for my dad to arrive, he ran us into debt, turned into a psycho, and had an affair with another woman and a son. maybe there was a time when he did love my mum and me. i’ve seen photos of us together when i was a little girl, he seemed pretty chuffed to be a father. well know i know that’s not the case. he was only ever interested in having a son, an ‘heir’ i guess to carry on his family’s pathetic ’empire’. that’s why he had an affair and fucked off when he had a son with another woman and left us to deal with his shit.

tbh i have no idea what made my dad suddenly switch personalities. maybe it was the prospect of money and power. maybe he was just frustrated. well he was obviously frustrated with his own life and i was his personal venting/punch bag. he didn’t actually punch me but i got alot of beatings for no reason and personal put downs. i think he enjoyed telling me i was ugly on a frequent basis. i know i’m not ugly, i’m a pretty attractive lady, but i think those insults played a part in me later developing self image distortions and eating problems in my early teenage years.

one thought that disturbs me is that i was somehow expecting my dad to rape me. it was always in the back of my head. i know he was a disturbed person with anger problems, but i don’t think he would have done that. well i hope not.

the last time i saw my dad i ran into my room and locked myself in and cried. i think that was the last time my mum ever hugged me actually.

my mum and dad always had arguments. i remember one time my dad forcing my mum to get out of the car and walk home and we drove off. my worst memory of an argument between them was when my mum decided to get drunk and i could hear shouting and screaming in the living room. i walked in to find my little brother who was only about 5/6 months at the time screaming and crying because he was so scared at what was going on around him. i tried to take him out of the room but nobody would let me in. my mum later came to apologise to me telling me that ‘my dad was making her drink’. nobody can ‘make you drink’ mother.

after a while she eventually threw my dad out. that didnt stop people on the street following us wherever we went demanding that we give them money that my dad owed them and it didnt stop my dad from coming up to me in the street and acting as if he was the world’s most loving father and pretending nothing had happened.

because of my relationship with my father and my mother i’ve always pretty much thought i was worthless. none of my friends had families like this. and i didnt understand why. i didnt understand why i had to phone the police when my dad hit my mum and i didnt understand why i had to be put through all of this. most of all i don’t understand why my mum seems to have it in her head that i am somehow my father reincarnated. to me that is just betrayal. i was the one who witnessed all these things and tried to help and now i am the one receiving the full punishment for crimes which i did not commit.

i wish she would go and get help so my siblings don’t have to carry on this cycle.

 

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