It seems that I have a backlog now of ideas for blog posts haha, which is strange but I guess also shows that in order to avoid this backlog I need to update the blog more. So now this is my homework I have realised that counselling cannot only be my counsellor only telling me words but me making sure aswel that I am doing the extra personal work that is required for me to learn and continue my journey of self recovery. As it turns out it seems to be the further the journey goes on the harder it is getting. Facing yourself in your own head is pretty hard work but at times it is rewarded. I just took my Moodscope test this morning and it says that i have scored my highest score to date which to me sounded pretty astounding 🙂
I had a very open discussion with my counsellor yesterday as well which helped and i feel a bit more clearly about things.
I have been thinking a lot about the cycle of anxiety. It seems as if my brain and mind seem to have a constant need to knock myself out with anxiety, as a high or i guess my natural state of feeling I need to be in fear due to that constant fear that was always present in general. It would seem that experiences in your past as a child, lately have the ability to manifest in anxiety and depression in adulthood. So perhaps trying to confront these illnesses in yourself will help you to come to terms with these events, as they come about due to the traumatic events.
Anxiety is strange in the sense that I seem to have the ability to purposely make myself agitated, which is in some form a type of mental self-harm. Or another form of control due to feeling so out of control for such a long period of time. I then seem to have the ability to wake up the next day and not realise what it was that was causing so much stress and worry. I think in a way is the same affect as being on drugs and constantly being kept up and paranoid because it is a different state as to what you are normally.
i previously was confused at how to go about attempting to overcome this cycle of anxiety. And I have noticed it seems to come back constantly when I am at my lowest, So the logical solution to this would be to have a set of coping mechanisms to revert to when I felt this low. It has also occured to me that I should make some sort of care plan for myself. Which means buying another notebook. haha, I have a lot of notebooks now, I think I need to get used to writing a lot, but it is helping.
When I reach these bad periods i need to be able to calm down and reflect, to think rationally ans clearly writing helps in this. I think the writing and re writing again in various different ways helps to make whatever I have been thinking a reality, help me to process from it, whilst still acknowledging what ever effect it has, and move on.
I made a decision to continue to write a blog online but to write down what i wanted to say first, this makes me constantly have to reflect on what I want to say first,and give me time to register my own feelings and wait for them to sink in.
I’ve had a lot of thinking to do this week and have also had a lot happen. It’s been a pretty intense week. I got into university and also on the same day i had my first public emotional breakdown.
alongside being embarrassed at breaking down crying whilst lying down on the street and sobbing hysterically into the arms of two friends whilst being completely drunk out of my head, i realised that i probably did need to have a long hysterical cry.
it has only just occurred to me now , that perhaps i have been to hard on myself over the past few months and i really just don’t give myself a break. there’s only so much a person can take, so i guess its better in than out. i actually felt pretty good after the whole thing was over anyways.
i’ve been questioning myself recently and i’m trying to decide whether or not i do actually know who i am anymore, and if i don’t a- as change is inevitable – do i like this new person i’m growing into?
another thing i’ve realised is how i relate to others around me. in regard to men, i now know that i don’t need to be validated by them and a man’s ‘approval’ will not b e the be all and end all of my existence. recently i’ve also turned down a lot of sex offers as i’ve noticed that in all truth i don’t want to sleep with these guys and i really don’t entertain the idea of ‘pity sex’ anymore, to try and make myself/them feel better.
in regard to girls, i’ve noticed that before i seemed to measure myself up against them in terms of who was more attractive physically. this is stupid as i’ve realised by determining your self worth in terms of your looks, it just shows that deep down you don’t really have any. confidence shouldn’t be cosmetic. i’ve also noticed the bitchiness i’ve received from other girls who have initially complimented me and then shortly after hit back with a cutting remark. it’s all very childish and pathetic and sad to be honest.
so.. i am still on this journey of trying to get back in touch with myself and looking after myself. allowing myself to cry if i want and not shame myself. allowing myself to think that i am more than my looks, educating my mind. allowing myself to be proud of being myself, and not idolising others. also trying to learn to stop putting myself down so much and to try and gradually deal with all my new thoughts that seem to be bubbling up. it’s all very exhausting.
For the first time in my life I’ve found that i’m actually making friends.
Not that I didn’t have friends before, but friends in the sense that I actually have people to discuss things with and confide with, friends who actually seem to care about my well being, not just ‘hello and goodbye’ sort of friendships.
And it’s all very strange to me.
It’s something new I’m trying to learn. How to maintain friendship and also how to accept it. How to be with people and actually have conversations and be interested in people’s lives, on more than just a surface level.
Friendship is an important thing. Humans are social creatures, as much as people may claim they don’t like people, that is never completely true. Life gets lonely at times and you need people to share that journey.
It’s strange to think that this is.. well strange to me.
It’s nice , but frightening at the same time.
For the first time as well I’m exploring having male friends that are just platonic instead of feeling that there must always be some sort of sexual attachment to it. To try and live without the anxiety that i have to be sexy in front of men, or that i have to impress them or make them desire me.
On the flip side, I’m also exploring for the first time getting to know someone in a romantic way and allowing them to get to know me, without feeling the need to be overtly sexual, but at the same time allowing myself to enjoy sexual feelings.
I feel as if i’m in the middle of a see-saw, trying to balance but being brave enough to let things balance by themselves. It’s all very, very odd haha. 🙂
Lately i’ve been having dreams about having to lie about where i am or dreaming that i still live at home, feeling trapped and constrained.
then i wake up and remember that i don’t live at home anymore, and i stop panicking.
visiting my siblings sort of opened my eyes to the fact that i don’t feel very young anymore which is ridiculous as i’m 19. but i don’t feel 19 i feel as if i’ve aged beyond my years in an incredibly short space of time, which could be seen as either positive or negative.
i feel as if i’ve had to deal with things and worry about issues that most 19 year olds would not have to. i’ve been told that i don’t seem as if i’m 19 , just the other day i was told that i have ‘a wise head on my shoulders’.
the problem with not feeling your age in that i sort of feel out of sync. i don’t know if i can really feel comfortable with people who are older than me , say in their 30s onwards, but at the same time i do. i get suspicious of the motives of older men. to tell the truth i’m suspicious of the motives of most people around me these days. i don’t know if that’s just paranoia or anxiety.
for the first time in my life i seem to be drawing attention left right and centre. and also for the first time in my life i don;t really care. maybe that’s part of maturing, not being desperate for attention and feeling cynical. it’s sad but at the same time its a safeguard against hurt i suppose. i’ve been through enough recently.
listening to my body i can tell it’s under a lot of stress, although i don’t know what the source of stress is. maybe it’s another sign i need to take care of myself some more, and listen to what i need and stop worrying quite so much.
it doesn’t help that i feel as if i am being judged all the time, or that my mother is still in denial and feels the need to call me and pretend nothing at all has happened in the past few months. but at the end of the day there’s nothing i can do to control or change the way she is, so i’ve given up on that. right now i can’t really handle her, so i ‘m just going to try and figure out a way of reducing my stress levels and enjoy whatever is happening at this moment in time.
I was doing a bit of Psychology revision and the topic I’m on now is abnormality and Freud’s ego defence mechanism.
I have no idea why but I was reading through the list : denial, repression etc and I just got so angry.
I was angry thinking about my mother. Who always seemed to be accusing me of sleeping around. Even after she found out about the child abuse and I told her I was leaving home, she decided to accuse me of sleeping with cab drivers. Apparently this was her logic, I obviously was too stupid to know how to move out myself so I had to get a little outside help from cabbies and in return pay them back by ‘giving it up’.
I don’t think my mother developed mentally into an adult. When confronted she reacts in such a childish and pathetic way. It’s almost sickening. There was the time she played ‘dead’ in front of my 7 year old sister, and then accused her of not caring enough that she could be dead.
I don’t understand.
I feel so bad that my siblings will have to go through more of this, but I had to leave for my own sanity.
I felt a bit sad for a moment. See I used to be really close to my uncle. I thought he was helping me. In the end in turned out he was just manipulating me alongside my mum. My uncle would always tell me he loved me, yet when I needed him the most he turned around, ridiculed me and left me on my own.
I don’t understand.
I was sad because I didn’t have my uncle here to tell me everything would be ok. The same as I do not have a father here to tell me everything will be ok. But then at the end of the day my family line is not ok at all.
I don’t understand.
I currently have the flu. It’s not the most life threatening illness, but it’s forced me to slow down and think for a bit.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it is my own fault for being so sick.
I don’t spend time with myself, I don’t take care of myself mentally or physically, I spend more time hating myself and imagining causing myself pain.. wanting to cause myself pain, than taking a break. Giving myself a break.
I spent time fantazing about cutting today. I don’t want or feel the need to cut. It’s just the thought of the sharpness and pain.
But I hate scars.
I’ve spent a lot of time on youtube. Watching old punk videos and reading up on feminism. I also found a really great blog today which I will put below. This girl is pretty awesome and has made me remember a lot of ideas about myself that I have conveniently put away due to deep depression.
I don’t know what self-love is. I think I used to , a long time ago, before a lot of destructive people came into my life
I was talking to a friend.. well 2 friends yestrerday about destructive relationships, gaslighting, emotional abuse and love.
I know what it feels like when someone you care.. possibly love/did love uses words against you in a way that makes you feel as if you are crazy. Where each incident feels like a physical blow to the head. When you become so scared of speaking up because you are afraid of making them angry. In someways I wish I had been hit, physical scars are so much more easier to overcome than mental scars.
I know I have to get over my emotional abuse if I am ever going to be able to overcome sexual abuse.
i didn’t know it was possible to be afraid of letting someone else in.
I’d rather just run and be a coward.