my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘recovery’

Non-titled – 31/05/2014

– This blog post again does not have a title as I didn’t put one when I was writing the notes for it. I am now remembering to do this 🙂

Waking up with anxiety is a big problem for me. I’ve noticed that when I record my Moodscope score just as I wake up in the morning it is usually a lot lower than my other scores that I have taken during the day. I don’t know if I should record my Moodscope scores twice- once in the morning and once in the evening. At the moment I am just trying to focus on recording the scores at least once a day. My plan for battling the depressing thoughts that \are fuelled by anxiety at the beginning of the day is by pushing them away by repeating a mantra in the morning when I wake up in my head. The mantra of ‘I love myself. I am a good person. I deserve good things. I deserve to heal’. Most times I just end up blurting this out in my head in a frantic attempt to push these thoughts away. I am starting to feel better in myself and the anxiety thoughts that I get at the beginning of the day as soon as I first wake up are beginning to lessen which is excellent.

When I made the notes for this post I wrote that I am aiming to dedicate portions of the day to self-love and positivity. I was also aiming to begin with spending 5 mins of each morning repeating this mantra. At this moment in time I haven’t specificially set out 5 minutes for this mantra but I am saying it and reminding myself to say it at different point of the day. I am also trying to find the time to sit down to write a daily journal entry, making a blog post and drawing, or going out and doing activities that I like. These all count as acts of self love , as do eating food, showering, sleeping, spending alone time and exercising. This is a lot to take on but when I think about it I have been doing these things anyways. I am aiming to attempt to continue to connect with myself on a daily basis as a grounding method.

I have been feeling overwhelmed with the amount of personal work that I have to do. However, when I wake up feeling tired and pissed off, I have to remind myself that the good mood I have been experiencing and the more positive experiences I have been having are due to me doing all this work despite it being difficult, alien and tiring. I am being to feel that it is ok to spend time alone, and that it is necessary. But also spending time with others and spending time doing other activities makes the time that I spend alone by myself feel more worthwhile and I enjoy that time more. My newest challenge is the challenge of being in the present. Not being in the past and feeling depressed. Or feeling anxious and worrying about the future. It is interesting how mental illness links with timeframe. A lot of the time I now find myself saying ‘Just worry about today’. Taking each day as it comes is completely new to me.

Lastly, the more I read about depression and anxiety, the more I begin to be able to name depression caused thoughts and anxiety caused thoughts as they are. Simply labelling a thought as ‘you are caused by anxiety , fuck off’ or ‘depression is making me think this’, is pretty empowering and is pretty useful aswel. I want to make the ‘normal’ voice in my head the loudest, so logically by labelling the negative thoughts as what they really are , this should help?? I hope so anyway..

 

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Today’s counselling thoughts

(I write this as ‘Today’s counselling thoughts’, but I made the notes for this blog post about two weeks ago, I have since completed my CBT therapy, but that will be spoken about in a future blog post)

Today I finally spoke about my abandonment issues to my counsellor. This has been something that did not begin to affect me in my adult life until I started having serious emotional relationships, I think my problems with feeling abandoned first became apparent when I was around 16 and was in a pretty dysfucntional relationship with a guy I was seeing on and off for about two years.

I originally came into this counselling session with the belief that it was my final counselling session, however it wasn’t. It always seems to be as I near the end of counselling that I am most open, this is probably due to the fact that the counselling sessions I have had have been short term counselling. I hope one day that I am able to have a long term therapist so that I am able to build up a relationship and speak openly about my problems for a longer period of time, however the short term therapy that I have received has been useful

I spoke about the issues I have with abandonment, which have stemmed from the relationship I have with the adults in my life. For some reason I can no longer type ‘parents’. It is sad, but I do not feel as if these people deserve that label. This may be a temporary thing, I am not sure, I am just working through my inner child and the relationships that I have with these individuals. It helped me realise that I have an intense fear of feeling that I am being left alone. This reaction is mainly my inner child, because as an adult I need time alone in order to work through my feelings, also naturally I am a pretty solitary person, this is what helps me to be productive and to be myself.

I think in this counselling session is when I realised that I am only human. It was quite a revelation. To realise you are only human and that you are allowed to have reactions and emotions in regard to going through abuse. For some reason I have separated myself from other people, feeling that it is normal and encouraging people to cry and be upset if they have been hurt, but not doing this myself because for some reason another rule exists for me. I think subconsciously I feel that if I cry or allow myself to feel these feelings than somehow the perpetrators of this hurt will have won. But I think by thinking in this way that they have already won because I am not allowing myself to be ‘normal’ in the sense of having human emotions and reactions.

It was around this time that I made the revelation of only being human and recognising why I struggle so much with abandonment, is when I finally explained to my bf why I am such an insecure person. (This was also linked to another event which I will not type because it is a personal event in my relationship, also it is a bit embarrassing). I feel frustrated that this abandonment continues to plague my life, but I know understand that in order to overcome it, I have to sit with the feeling of abandonment and take myself back to the place from which these feelings originate from, acknowledge these feelings and cope with them in order to be able to move on in my adult life. I do not have the answers to everything at the moment, and I do not need the answers as the majority of the time as I have found out the hard way searching for answers as to why I was treated in this way does not actually make me feel better, it just makes me feel more confused.

My counsellor said to me what I already knew in myself, the fact that encouragement must come from myself. It doesn’t matter how long I spend in therapy or how many people tell me good things about myself or congratulate me for good things I have accomplished in my life. If I cannot congratulate myself or believe that I am a good person or have confidence in myself then there is no point in me doing all this work. It is only now that I am admitting that I have done a lot of work in order to still be standing here alive and still fighting today. I am now trying to learn to be present in myself. To acknowledge that I exist and that I am living and breathing and fighting. I need to recognise positive things I have done. Some times it feels like I am banging my head against a rock, but eventually I do allow myself to be proud in what I have achieved and recognise that I have indeed achieved good things. I want to gain my confidence to be myself back. I want my life back. Those who tried to put me down and abuse me and make me hate myself do not deserve to win. I deserve to win. It is my life.

My new task is now spending time alone with myself. Recognising that spending time by myself is not a bad thing. That life with myself is not a bad thing. I now say to myself throughout the day ‘I love myself. I am a good person and I deserve good things’. I am now beginning to believe it more than I did when I first began to repeat this mantra. It is only in loving myself that I will continue to have the strength to continue to heal from abuse and to live my life to the fullest. It is a pretty difficult thing to learn when nobody has taught you how to do this, but there is no better time to start.

Lastly, I discussed the fear I have of everything going wrong and the need to be in control because of this fear. I now recognise this as anxiety. And anxiety is not real. I realise I have anxiety because my inner child is still damaged and scared and living in the past of my childhood. It is only by connecting with my inner child and facing this childhood that I can free myself from this anxiety and from consistently living in fear.

My counsellor explained to me that fear will be my initial reaction to most things due to anxiety and due to the need to stay in control, but I have to feel the fear and continue to push through it anyway. If I believe in myself and have this confidence then I can do anything no matter how scary it may seem at first glance.

Why do I never want to get out of bed?

Although I made the notes for this blog post about over a week ago, it is pretty relevant as I am writing after spending the entire day yesterday in bed depressed and thinking. I think the only people who can understand this and why this happens is those who have gone through depression themselves. It’s times like this I realise that I am unwell. And I guess sometimes I need to spend the day in bed, often after spending a day or two I feel a lot better and have managed to think through some things in my head, also for me I think it is a chance to spend time by myself away from the world.

I was questioning why I never want to get out of bed in the mornings. Of recent it has been the anxiety that kicks in. Anxiety that comes to me first thing in the morning and it says that today is going to be shit. You are shit. Everyone else around you knows you are shit and pathetic. Everyone is going to laugh at you. Your boyfriend is going to dump you because you are too stressful. You have failed in life. etc. etc. All this in probably the first minute of waking up. This is too much.I decided to counteract these thoughts by the first thing I do in the morning when I wake up is too tell myself ‘I love myself and I deserve good things’, I have been repeating this quite a lot of recent. And now it seems easier to get rid of the dark thoughts when they come. 

Sometimes when you have gone through a heavy day and wake up to a new day, it feels as if you have to face the weight of coping through another day. But I guess I have gone through a lot of crap days, so I’m guessing what lies ahead cannot be worse. I’m sure I can survive the aftermath. I know this deep down, just sometimes I do not believe it, until I have to be strong by myself and cope

I think a main factor of depression is due to being depressed, you do not want to face the day by yourself. It is the feelings of loneliness and despair that make it tough. Some days as soon as I wake up I want to cry. Maybe this is not necessarily a bad thing. I remind myself I have not really felt any emotion for the past year whilst on Prozac, this is probably my body’s natural response.

When I lay in bed , I get to remain depressed and think of how things will go wrong. In my rational mind I know this is not healthy, but at times it is only through being in bed that I can pin point what is upsetting me deeply. For instance, yesterday I read alot about looking after the inner child, rejecting parents and I reflected a lot on my childhood and my relationship with my mum, dad and uncle. This gave me a lot of insight and I was able to connect with my inner child and feel the grief and emotion that I was not allowed to feel when I was younger.

Lastly, I think the scariest thing about depression and not wanting to get out of bed is the suicidal thoughts first thing in the morning. Getting up and the first thing you think is ‘I wish I was dead’. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. And I am confident I won’t. I am out of bed today, I can get out of bed tomorrow. Hopefully this will all pass.

The cycle of anxiety

It seems that I have a backlog now of ideas for blog posts haha, which is strange but I guess also shows that in order to avoid this backlog I need to update the blog more. So now this is my homework I have realised that counselling cannot only be my counsellor only telling me words but me making sure aswel that I am doing the extra personal work that is required for me to learn and continue my journey of self recovery. As it turns out it seems to be the further the journey goes on the harder it is getting. Facing yourself in your own head is pretty hard work but at times it is rewarded. I just took my Moodscope test this morning and it says that i have scored my highest score to date which to me sounded pretty astounding 🙂

I had a very open discussion with my counsellor yesterday as well which helped and i feel a bit more clearly about things.

I have been thinking a lot about the cycle of anxiety. It seems as if my brain and mind seem to have a constant need to knock myself out with anxiety, as a high or i guess my natural state of feeling I need to be in fear due to that constant fear that was always present in general. It would seem that experiences in your past as a child, lately have the ability to manifest in anxiety and depression in adulthood. So perhaps trying to confront these illnesses in yourself will help you to come to terms with these events, as they come about due to the traumatic events.

Anxiety is strange in the sense that I seem to have the ability to purposely make myself agitated, which is in some form a type of mental self-harm. Or another form of control due to feeling so out of control for such a long period of time. I then seem to have the ability to wake up the next day and not realise what it was that was causing so much stress and worry. I think in a way is the same affect as being on drugs and constantly being kept up and paranoid because it is a different state as to what you are normally. 

i previously was confused at how to go about attempting to overcome this cycle of anxiety. And I have noticed it seems to come back constantly when I am at my lowest, So the logical solution to this would be to have a set of coping mechanisms to revert to when I felt this low. It has also occured to me that I should make some sort of care plan for myself. Which means buying another notebook. haha, I have a lot of notebooks now, I think I need to get used to writing a lot, but it is helping.

When I reach these bad periods i need to be able to calm down and reflect, to think rationally ans clearly writing helps in this. I think the writing and re writing again in various different ways helps to make whatever I have been thinking a reality, help me to process from it, whilst still acknowledging what ever effect it has, and move on.

I made a decision to continue to write a blog online but to write down what i wanted to say first, this makes me constantly have to reflect on what I want to say first,and give me time to register my own feelings and wait for them to sink in. 

Weight of an everyday struggle

I think because i made a post yesterday it is becoming easier to write. As I type I cannot believe that today is only Monday, it feels like the end of the week already. Of recent everything has felt like a long and heavy struggle everyday. It feels as if I have so many lessons in my head, constantly reminding myself to think in the ‘new way’. Healing is a weight. To me this is what it feels like. I have now stuck post it notes all over my walls in the attempt to change behaviour patterns. It is working, relectantly it is working. Although I feel as if I am dragging my feet in the ground it is working. I find it sad that it takes a lot of energy for me to drag my eyes to the post it note that may be stuck on my mirror and to read the message on it that I have written to myself. That I am scared yet excited and intrigued at maybe just this once I might actually start to feel better. That this might pay off. I am tired and fustrated that I have to do these same procedures everyday, but I know it is for my own good. I cannot escape my life, if I want to live it to the full, I have to work hard at making it better for myself. I have to keep telling myself to fight, or push myself to go and cook or to phone someone or send a message or to start a conversation. It is fucking hard work, yet at the same time I know that the more I communicate and try to talk, the more help I will find and the more I will be able to have support and open up. Perhaps the less isolated I will feel. I have noticed since I took my long haitus from creating blog posts, now that I have returned, when I come back to look at the likes and the comments, I get a sense of release. I feel happy that people appreciate what I am sharing, no matter how incoherently I may have written it. It is nice to have a bond with others as I read their posts and realise that they can share my experiences, and because of their experiences they know what I am talking about.

  On one hand it is good to discuss the thoughts and ideas that are in my head, but it feels that when i let the flood barriers down, another load of emotion is ready again to be released. It feels draining. But what can I do? I have to start now, 21 years of pent up emotion is better to let out now, than wait 50 years and have to release that, It is difficult and tiring, better I know I have to keep trying. I am now beginning to come to terms with the fact that this is a daily struggle, exercise whatever I have to call it. There is no deadline to being ‘normal’, there is no such thing as being ‘normal’, i will not become another person, I can only have my life. It is still a very strange concept. I think it is linked to disassociation. Not wanting to be here, but wanting to be somewhere else, somewhere different. Not being grounded in my feet, even as I type this I can feel myself disassociating. I don’t really know what to do about that at the moment, but I guess I will just have to keep going and see what solutions I can come up with…

relationships: relearning the difference between friendship and sexual relationships

it’s better out than in…

ok. so i think i am beginning to make signs of recovery but i am still pretty nervous and anxious. i have been going out a lot more of recent, trying to learn how to relax, and i’ve been going back to the way i was in terms of wanting to be myself and not fit into the mould of what other ppl want me to be. ive been meeting up with friends a lot more… well the old friends i still may or may not have after being unwel for a very long time and not knowing how to cope with depression.

it is now more than a year since i first started this blog. i remember where i was then , tired – sleeping for whole days, not eating anything, not showering, my whole life revolving around whatever abusive relationship or guy i was involved with, a lot of drinking to be drunk and fucking random strangers… just to get a bit of attention.

i think the hardest thing to do in the journey of i duno.. journey of what journey of becoming one with ur mental disorder (?), is to first of all accept that you have a mental disorder. this is the first step and is actually pretty challenging. i dont even think i have overcome this first step but i’m getting there. accepting you have a disability takes time and ive found that actively speaking out on the internet and real life to ppl with the same sort of problems as i have has helped a lot.

another issue in this step is facing the issues or events in ur life which may have caused or triggered a particularly mental disorder. this requires being able to actually allow your to actually open up to yousrelf and having the ability to spend time with urself. this is another step which i working on. it helps in term of self -care… which i’ve gradually began to understand the meaning of.

for now i am trying to plan my time slowly and carefully and allow myself to rest and try and learn to be positive once again

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