today i had a pretty enlightening conversation with both myself and my counsellor
i came to the realisation that most of the relationships i’ve had pretty much have just involved me attempting to ‘save’ relationship and most of the time i probably really haven’t actually had many real feelings for the said person involved. also most of the time, these relationships were really just a set pattern i was used to , which made me feel comfortable, even though they were/are harming me mentally.
another thing i realised is that i am probably substituting my relationship with my mum, with these toxic relationships. and by wanting to so desperately fix these relationships (that i do not actually want) i am subconsciously trying to fix and control the relationship i had with my mother.
it’s taken me a few months to admit this to myself, now i have to somehow accept this information and work on it and myself. i’d rather not be doomed to this never ending cycle forever