my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘mental health’

Today’s counselling thoughts

(I write this as ‘Today’s counselling thoughts’, but I made the notes for this blog post about two weeks ago, I have since completed my CBT therapy, but that will be spoken about in a future blog post)

Today I finally spoke about my abandonment issues to my counsellor. This has been something that did not begin to affect me in my adult life until I started having serious emotional relationships, I think my problems with feeling abandoned first became apparent when I was around 16 and was in a pretty dysfucntional relationship with a guy I was seeing on and off for about two years.

I originally came into this counselling session with the belief that it was my final counselling session, however it wasn’t. It always seems to be as I near the end of counselling that I am most open, this is probably due to the fact that the counselling sessions I have had have been short term counselling. I hope one day that I am able to have a long term therapist so that I am able to build up a relationship and speak openly about my problems for a longer period of time, however the short term therapy that I have received has been useful

I spoke about the issues I have with abandonment, which have stemmed from the relationship I have with the adults in my life. For some reason I can no longer type ‘parents’. It is sad, but I do not feel as if these people deserve that label. This may be a temporary thing, I am not sure, I am just working through my inner child and the relationships that I have with these individuals. It helped me realise that I have an intense fear of feeling that I am being left alone. This reaction is mainly my inner child, because as an adult I need time alone in order to work through my feelings, also naturally I am a pretty solitary person, this is what helps me to be productive and to be myself.

I think in this counselling session is when I realised that I am only human. It was quite a revelation. To realise you are only human and that you are allowed to have reactions and emotions in regard to going through abuse. For some reason I have separated myself from other people, feeling that it is normal and encouraging people to cry and be upset if they have been hurt, but not doing this myself because for some reason another rule exists for me. I think subconsciously I feel that if I cry or allow myself to feel these feelings than somehow the perpetrators of this hurt will have won. But I think by thinking in this way that they have already won because I am not allowing myself to be ‘normal’ in the sense of having human emotions and reactions.

It was around this time that I made the revelation of only being human and recognising why I struggle so much with abandonment, is when I finally explained to my bf why I am such an insecure person. (This was also linked to another event which I will not type because it is a personal event in my relationship, also it is a bit embarrassing). I feel frustrated that this abandonment continues to plague my life, but I know understand that in order to overcome it, I have to sit with the feeling of abandonment and take myself back to the place from which these feelings originate from, acknowledge these feelings and cope with them in order to be able to move on in my adult life. I do not have the answers to everything at the moment, and I do not need the answers as the majority of the time as I have found out the hard way searching for answers as to why I was treated in this way does not actually make me feel better, it just makes me feel more confused.

My counsellor said to me what I already knew in myself, the fact that encouragement must come from myself. It doesn’t matter how long I spend in therapy or how many people tell me good things about myself or congratulate me for good things I have accomplished in my life. If I cannot congratulate myself or believe that I am a good person or have confidence in myself then there is no point in me doing all this work. It is only now that I am admitting that I have done a lot of work in order to still be standing here alive and still fighting today. I am now trying to learn to be present in myself. To acknowledge that I exist and that I am living and breathing and fighting. I need to recognise positive things I have done. Some times it feels like I am banging my head against a rock, but eventually I do allow myself to be proud in what I have achieved and recognise that I have indeed achieved good things. I want to gain my confidence to be myself back. I want my life back. Those who tried to put me down and abuse me and make me hate myself do not deserve to win. I deserve to win. It is my life.

My new task is now spending time alone with myself. Recognising that spending time by myself is not a bad thing. That life with myself is not a bad thing. I now say to myself throughout the day ‘I love myself. I am a good person and I deserve good things’. I am now beginning to believe it more than I did when I first began to repeat this mantra. It is only in loving myself that I will continue to have the strength to continue to heal from abuse and to live my life to the fullest. It is a pretty difficult thing to learn when nobody has taught you how to do this, but there is no better time to start.

Lastly, I discussed the fear I have of everything going wrong and the need to be in control because of this fear. I now recognise this as anxiety. And anxiety is not real. I realise I have anxiety because my inner child is still damaged and scared and living in the past of my childhood. It is only by connecting with my inner child and facing this childhood that I can free myself from this anxiety and from consistently living in fear.

My counsellor explained to me that fear will be my initial reaction to most things due to anxiety and due to the need to stay in control, but I have to feel the fear and continue to push through it anyway. If I believe in myself and have this confidence then I can do anything no matter how scary it may seem at first glance.

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Why do I never want to get out of bed?

Although I made the notes for this blog post about over a week ago, it is pretty relevant as I am writing after spending the entire day yesterday in bed depressed and thinking. I think the only people who can understand this and why this happens is those who have gone through depression themselves. It’s times like this I realise that I am unwell. And I guess sometimes I need to spend the day in bed, often after spending a day or two I feel a lot better and have managed to think through some things in my head, also for me I think it is a chance to spend time by myself away from the world.

I was questioning why I never want to get out of bed in the mornings. Of recent it has been the anxiety that kicks in. Anxiety that comes to me first thing in the morning and it says that today is going to be shit. You are shit. Everyone else around you knows you are shit and pathetic. Everyone is going to laugh at you. Your boyfriend is going to dump you because you are too stressful. You have failed in life. etc. etc. All this in probably the first minute of waking up. This is too much.I decided to counteract these thoughts by the first thing I do in the morning when I wake up is too tell myself ‘I love myself and I deserve good things’, I have been repeating this quite a lot of recent. And now it seems easier to get rid of the dark thoughts when they come. 

Sometimes when you have gone through a heavy day and wake up to a new day, it feels as if you have to face the weight of coping through another day. But I guess I have gone through a lot of crap days, so I’m guessing what lies ahead cannot be worse. I’m sure I can survive the aftermath. I know this deep down, just sometimes I do not believe it, until I have to be strong by myself and cope

I think a main factor of depression is due to being depressed, you do not want to face the day by yourself. It is the feelings of loneliness and despair that make it tough. Some days as soon as I wake up I want to cry. Maybe this is not necessarily a bad thing. I remind myself I have not really felt any emotion for the past year whilst on Prozac, this is probably my body’s natural response.

When I lay in bed , I get to remain depressed and think of how things will go wrong. In my rational mind I know this is not healthy, but at times it is only through being in bed that I can pin point what is upsetting me deeply. For instance, yesterday I read alot about looking after the inner child, rejecting parents and I reflected a lot on my childhood and my relationship with my mum, dad and uncle. This gave me a lot of insight and I was able to connect with my inner child and feel the grief and emotion that I was not allowed to feel when I was younger.

Lastly, I think the scariest thing about depression and not wanting to get out of bed is the suicidal thoughts first thing in the morning. Getting up and the first thing you think is ‘I wish I was dead’. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. And I am confident I won’t. I am out of bed today, I can get out of bed tomorrow. Hopefully this will all pass.

Life beyond self hatred?

When I began this blog it was sort of half a personal blog for myself, and also a blog for the public. I don’t know why but I always have felt the need to broadcast my life to people in the hopes of sorting out things in my head. Obviously it is good to talk to people about your problems, but sometimes I find myself writing or acting out my life in the way I feel that other people would like. I don’t think this is good because it doesn’t particularly help me, it just puts in my head the idea that I am staring in some sort of soap drama, when in reality I am not, and really what I need to do is reconnect with myself and stop disassociating from my life and my feelings. I need to learn to live my life for myself, something I was not taught to do and now I am struggling to learn how to do.

 Yesterday I bought myself a little pocket notebook, one of those small notebooks that I can slip in my handbag and carry around with me to jot ideas down. I am using this notebook as my blogging notebook, mainly because I ask myself a lot of emotional questions and have the bad habit of overthinking and then never remembering what I was thinking about. I think it helps me to think out things but sometimes I feel I think too much and it doesn’t really get me anywhere.. perhaps that is anxiety.

Its a bit strange getting used to the idea of writing out my blog before I type it up, but I think maybe in this way I keep a bit for myself, I do it for myself, I am the first one I am writing to, I am not writing for the benefit or for the eyes of other people. I thought that it would be a good idea for me to write a personal blog for myself. I guess in this sense it is a diary, but instead I just ramble on about things. Come to think of it I don’t really understand what the difference between a blog and a diary is really, I guess a blog is just online.

anyways i guess i should type up what i wrote yesterday (saturday):-

 My problem with anxiety and depression and fantasying catastrophes for myself, the destructive high of drama and negativity reached new heights yesterday. Partly it was not all my fault, but I understand that I do need to work hard at taking care of myself and being present and off the internet and in touch with myself. I haven’t really decided what my plan is. To plan blog posts and write them up, or to generally keep a diary. i think keeping a diary I can write in, or as many different writing books as possible would be best.

  I am tired of hating myself and feeling bad and undesirable. When I am not causing myself stress of thinking that the worst is aways about to happen, of feeling that good things do not deserve to happen to me. Of never wanting to feel present in my life. As if my life is unimportant and that I need to be someone other than myself. It is a habit and an addiction and like all addictions, the negative effects are time wasting, both mentally and physically. I think the main truth if it really is I feel lost and I’m not  really quite sure what to so with myself. Perhaps this is what spurs on the need to feel miserable all the time. I need to actually be able to sit down and not be too hard on myself, I have been through alot, particularly atm and I am going through and anniversary of sorts. 

I think now the message of one day at a time, i really need to take seriously, before I push myself into another breakdown. I am finding it very hard by myself, being alone, not having constant comfort from my bf, feeling as if I will never see him again, feeling as if he will leave me and forever abandon me. The fear of abandonment, it is my biggest fear, although I will never talk about it to anyone. Never to a counsellor, never to a friend, never to my bf, never to myself really. How does a person get rid of the fear of being abandoned, when they constantly feel that they themselves are not worth sticking around for? 

I am very tired atm, I think it was the mental exhaustion from Friday, I need to rest and relax, but as soon as I think that, the first thought is to go back onto social media, on to fb, on to the internet, to feel wanted. I think perhaps recognising when I am not in a state where I feel good about myself, that it is not productive or helpful to do these things.

On reflection, the fear that my bf will disappear forever has never been made reality, I think the main problem is fear of abandonment from my mother, father and uncle, during my time of need – childhood, and my inner child doesn’t know how to cope with this. I became an adult too early and now I am confused. It is as if I have an obsession with abandonment. It causes me to fail to spend quality time with myself and it causes me to fail to understand why people would wish to spend quality time with me

random thoughts

today i had an unexpected argument with somebody. well now that i think about it more thoroughly it wasn’t that unexpected. to cut a long story short, i basically stated that if a person is continually in abusive relationships, then the person needs to look at themselves and assess what it is within them that is causing this continuous pattern and go and seek psychological help, in the form of counselling or therapy.

i said this speaking from both a personal point of view and in light of my education in psychology. however , apparently i was being ‘ableist’, because obviously telling someone to get psychological help is somehow insulting…

there is a thing called denial. which is often accompanied by a little thing called ‘not wanting to change’ or ‘being set in our ways’. when someone says something which forces us to look at ourselves and makes us uncomfortable, people often lash out.

perhaps if people were less defensive and actually listened more, the world could actually get some where..

short note about counselling, the law and confidentiality

Anyone who has ever had to have counselling for any reason knows how hard the initial process of getting started and seeing the course through is. For a lot of people it may take many years to come to this decision. Counselling brings up painful memories and requires you to deal with parts of yourself which may or may not be willing to accept or come to terms with. Today I found out that in legal cases, a prosecutor has the right to use a client’s counselling notes as evidence against them in court.

As usual my first reaction was anger. I personally feel that although laws are necessary, in some cases and in the event of certain situations, more often than not, the law generally works against us and instead of feeling safe and protected, you do not. This was one of those times. I still do not understand how it can be moral and even ethical to use someone’s personal and often traumatic life experiences against them in court. It is yet another way to get fucked over by a system that is supposedly there to protect us, yet in all honesty does nothing but make people feel victimised. I also find it disturbing and extremely worrying.

 Going through an experience such as sexual abuse or domestic abuse, is unsettling and traumatic to deal with in itself. Being able to build up trust with a counsellor is difficult. To be able to be about and honest about your feelings is also difficult. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage to be able to do these things. For some people it may take a life time. It is stressful and it hurts. To find out that these personal details can be pulled out at a whim upon request and used as a weapon against you is frightening.

I don’t want to put people off going to counselling as it is helpful, but I’m sure I’m not the only person who has been or will be disturbed by this information

Aging

Lately i’ve been having dreams about having to lie about where i am or dreaming that i still live at home, feeling trapped and constrained.

then i wake up and remember that i don’t live at home anymore, and i stop panicking.

visiting my siblings sort of opened my eyes to the fact that i don’t feel very young anymore which is ridiculous as i’m 19. but i don’t feel 19 i feel as if i’ve aged beyond my years in an incredibly short space of time, which  could be seen as either positive or negative.

i feel as if i’ve had to deal with things and worry about issues that most 19 year olds would not have to. i’ve been told that i don’t seem as if i’m 19 , just the other day i was told that i have ‘a wise head on my shoulders’.

the problem with not feeling your age in that i sort of feel out of sync. i don’t know if i can really feel comfortable with people who are older than me , say in their 30s onwards, but at the same time i do. i get suspicious of the motives of older men. to tell the truth i’m suspicious of the motives of most people around me these days. i don’t know if that’s just paranoia or anxiety.

for the first time in my life i seem to be drawing attention left right and centre. and also for the first time in my life i don;t really care. maybe that’s part of maturing, not being desperate for attention and feeling cynical. it’s sad but at the same time its a safeguard against hurt i suppose. i’ve been through enough recently.

listening to my body i can tell it’s under a lot of stress, although i don’t know what the source of stress is. maybe it’s another sign i need to take care of myself some more, and listen to what i need and stop worrying quite so much.

it doesn’t help that i feel as if i am being judged all the time, or that my mother is still in denial and feels the need to call me and pretend nothing at all has happened in the past few months. but at the end of the day there’s nothing i can do to control or change the way she is, so i’ve given up on that. right now i can’t really handle her, so i ‘m just going to try and figure out a way of reducing my stress levels and enjoy whatever is happening at this moment in time.

Nightmares

today i started my day waking up from a nightmare about my dad basically pouring hot water on me and my mum blaming me for defending myself and refusing to acknowledge that my father was trying to injure me.

perhaps this is a metaphor for her refusing to sacknowledge anything in regard to the child abuse and turning on me and taking out her anger.

it might also be me acknowledging th anger i felt as a child when she failed to protect me from my father.

either way i would prefer not to wake up every night after a nightmare

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