questions

i’m currently in the middle of making new transactions in life.

i’ve completed my first set of counselling

i’ve started university

also for the first time in my life i’ve terminated a relationship on my own terms

 

these are all pretty big changes and i’m not really sure how i’m coping with it. last night resulted in me being triggered by what i saw as rejection, and i went off into a bad depressive state, crying and feeling shaky.

i’ve been feeling lately as if i’m missing out on something. as if everyone else has experienced some form of romantic relationship for a decent period of time and i myself have not been able to do this.

it’s starting to take it’s toll and it’s affecting my self esteem and the way i perceive myself.

is there something wrong with me?

should i just settle for bad relationships?

are these the only type of relationships i will experience in my lifetime?

has any hope of a relationship been tarnished by child abuse, rape, emotional and physical abuse?

will it ever get better?

i don’t know the answer to any of these questions tbh. but i think in the following weeks i will be able to reflect and recognise some of the acheivements i have made. i think i am in a better position as to what i was when i first started righting this blog. 

i’ve recognised that i do have self worth and i don’t need to settle for arseholes.

i’ve recognised that i am the sole person responsible for ensuring my happiness and wellbeing.

i’ve learnt to stand up for myself and realise that i do not have to harm myself emotionally or mentally in order to find favour with other people.

i’ve realised that i need to work on sex and consent, and shouldn’t just give in to situations which will just make me feel worse afterwards. i want to be able to face myself afterwards.

i’ve learnt that i need to stop lying to myself about the men i become involved with and see people for who they really are, not just what i want them to be or their ‘potential’

i’ve learnt that the child abuse wasn’t my fault.

now i need to prepare myself for the second part of my journey. i also need to come to terms with the fact that this is a journey i will be on for the rest of my life. hopefully it does get better, but there is no quick fix solution.

i don’t want to be ill forever

Reflection

Aside

I’ve had a lot of thinking to do this week and have also had a lot happen. It’s been a pretty intense week. I got into university and also on the same day i had my first public emotional breakdown.

alongside  being embarrassed at breaking down crying whilst lying down on the street and sobbing hysterically into the arms of two friends whilst being completely drunk out of my head, i realised that i probably did need to have a long hysterical cry.

it has only just occurred to me now , that perhaps i have been to hard on myself over the past few months and i really just don’t give myself a break. there’s only so much a person can take, so i guess its better in than out. i actually felt pretty good after the whole thing was over anyways.

i’ve been questioning myself recently and i’m trying to decide whether or not i do actually know who i am anymore, and if i don’t a- as change is inevitable – do i like this new person i’m growing into?

another thing i’ve realised is how i relate to others around me. in regard to men, i now know that i don’t need to be validated by them and a man’s ‘approval’ will not b e the be all and end all of my existence. recently i’ve also turned down a lot of sex offers as i’ve noticed that in all truth i don’t want to sleep with these guys and i really don’t entertain the idea of ‘pity sex’ anymore, to try and make myself/them feel better.

in regard to girls, i’ve noticed that before i seemed to measure myself up against them in terms of who was more attractive physically. this is stupid as i’ve realised by determining your self worth in terms of your looks, it just shows that deep down you don’t really have any. confidence shouldn’t be cosmetic. i’ve also noticed the bitchiness i’ve received from other girls who have initially complimented me and then shortly after hit back with a cutting remark. it’s all very childish and pathetic and sad to be honest.

so.. i am still on this journey of trying to get back in touch with myself and looking after myself. allowing myself to cry if i want and not shame myself. allowing myself to think that i am more than my looks, educating my mind. allowing myself to be proud of being myself, and not idolising others. also trying to learn to stop putting myself down so much and to try and gradually deal with all my new thoughts that seem to be bubbling up. it’s all very exhausting.

Friendship and other strange things..

For the first time in my life I’ve found that i’m actually making friends.

Not that I didn’t have friends before, but friends in the sense that I actually have people to discuss things with and confide with, friends who actually seem to care about my well being, not just ‘hello and goodbye’ sort of friendships.

And it’s all very strange to me.

It’s something new I’m trying to learn. How to maintain friendship and also how to accept it. How to be with people and actually have conversations and be interested in people’s lives, on  more than just a surface level.

Friendship is an important thing. Humans are social creatures, as much as people may claim they don’t like people, that is never completely true. Life gets lonely at times and you need people to share that journey.

It’s strange to think that this is.. well strange to me.

It’s nice , but frightening at the same time.

For the first time as well I’m exploring having male friends that are just platonic instead of feeling that there must always be some sort of sexual attachment to it. To try and live without the anxiety that i have to be sexy in front of men, or that i have to impress them or make them desire me.

On the flip side, I’m also exploring for the first time getting to know someone in a romantic way and allowing them to get to know me, without feeling the need to be overtly sexual, but at the same time allowing myself to enjoy sexual feelings.

I feel as if i’m in the middle of a see-saw, trying to balance but being brave enough to let things balance by themselves. It’s all very, very odd haha. 🙂

Enjoy it while it lasts..

This morning i received a text from a friend that i had made recently. He was texting me to let me know that he was moving back to Ireland to sort out his drinking problem. At first when i met this person i was reluctant to spend time with them, but the thing that hit me when i received the text is that i wish i hadn’t been so paranoid. sometimes people or events enter your life, and they may last for a long while or for a little while, sometimes they may be good , at other times they may be negative. at the end of the day nothing lasts forever so you may as well live in the moment and enjoy it whilst you can.

so what i’ve decided now is to try and live in the moment as best as i can and go with the flow and be one with life, because one day i may regret not doing just that.

Exploration

from about last weekend i’ve probably started to make up for all the partying i never had the chance to do during my adolescence.

somehow i ended up having sex with my friend and kissing a girl. i don’t know if i regret this or not, i don’t know if i particularly care. i think i worry too much and need to learn to have a good , yet safe time. i’m trying to relearn and imagine sex. i’ve set boundaries and now only do what i feel comfortable with. i came home today after spending a night at a friends house after sleeping over. i didn’t feel the need to have intercourse with him, although other things did happen. but the important thing was i knew what i wanted and what i didn’t want and i didn’t feel as if i had to push myself to please another person.

i’m trying to be brave and face life. i’ve learnt some bitter truths in the past few months/weeks and i’m just trying to continue living even in the face of setbbacks. i think i have probably been drinking a little TOO freely this past week and that’s something i need to watch. 

i just want to give myself courage to keep going on. i missed my last therapy session because i simply could not face my counsellor and i felt i had done something wrong by having casual sex and wel.. having fun. i don’t know whose standards i keep judging myself by. i remember a time when the only opinion that mattered to me was my own and if i was happy with something that was good enough. i didn’t have to impress anybody else. i want this back. i want to be autonomous again. i’m just tired of having to learn and re learn.

Giving up being ‘The Good Samaritan’

Today i hear several disturbing pieces of information, which is probably to due with the fact that alcohol was fuelling the conversation.

I heard from one friend about how she’d sufferred incest as a child and sexual abuse from past lovers and could watch her self-destruct right in front of me.

From another friend i heard of how her gf was threatening to commit suicide if she left her and had hung her self a various number of times in front of her.

From another friend i heard of how her bf/lover/romantic partner was in deep depression and saw the only way out as killing himself and the toll it was taking on my friend.

all in the same day.

then i did something i don’t usually do. i sat there offered my help and suggestions then backed off. instead of attempting to be superwoman and defend everyone apart from myself i didn’t.

i think this is positive.

i now realise i have my own shit to take care of, and distracting myself with the woes of others will not make my problems go away.