my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘journey’

questions

i’m currently in the middle of making new transactions in life.

i’ve completed my first set of counselling

i’ve started university

also for the first time in my life i’ve terminated a relationship on my own terms

 

these are all pretty big changes and i’m not really sure how i’m coping with it. last night resulted in me being triggered by what i saw as rejection, and i went off into a bad depressive state, crying and feeling shaky.

i’ve been feeling lately as if i’m missing out on something. as if everyone else has experienced some form of romantic relationship for a decent period of time and i myself have not been able to do this.

it’s starting to take it’s toll and it’s affecting my self esteem and the way i perceive myself.

is there something wrong with me?

should i just settle for bad relationships?

are these the only type of relationships i will experience in my lifetime?

has any hope of a relationship been tarnished by child abuse, rape, emotional and physical abuse?

will it ever get better?

i don’t know the answer to any of these questions tbh. but i think in the following weeks i will be able to reflect and recognise some of the acheivements i have made. i think i am in a better position as to what i was when i first started righting this blog. 

i’ve recognised that i do have self worth and i don’t need to settle for arseholes.

i’ve recognised that i am the sole person responsible for ensuring my happiness and wellbeing.

i’ve learnt to stand up for myself and realise that i do not have to harm myself emotionally or mentally in order to find favour with other people.

i’ve realised that i need to work on sex and consent, and shouldn’t just give in to situations which will just make me feel worse afterwards. i want to be able to face myself afterwards.

i’ve learnt that i need to stop lying to myself about the men i become involved with and see people for who they really are, not just what i want them to be or their ‘potential’

i’ve learnt that the child abuse wasn’t my fault.

now i need to prepare myself for the second part of my journey. i also need to come to terms with the fact that this is a journey i will be on for the rest of my life. hopefully it does get better, but there is no quick fix solution.

i don’t want to be ill forever

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Friendship and other strange things..

For the first time in my life I’ve found that i’m actually making friends.

Not that I didn’t have friends before, but friends in the sense that I actually have people to discuss things with and confide with, friends who actually seem to care about my well being, not just ‘hello and goodbye’ sort of friendships.

And it’s all very strange to me.

It’s something new I’m trying to learn. How to maintain friendship and also how to accept it. How to be with people and actually have conversations and be interested in people’s lives, on  more than just a surface level.

Friendship is an important thing. Humans are social creatures, as much as people may claim they don’t like people, that is never completely true. Life gets lonely at times and you need people to share that journey.

It’s strange to think that this is.. well strange to me.

It’s nice , but frightening at the same time.

For the first time as well I’m exploring having male friends that are just platonic instead of feeling that there must always be some sort of sexual attachment to it. To try and live without the anxiety that i have to be sexy in front of men, or that i have to impress them or make them desire me.

On the flip side, I’m also exploring for the first time getting to know someone in a romantic way and allowing them to get to know me, without feeling the need to be overtly sexual, but at the same time allowing myself to enjoy sexual feelings.

I feel as if i’m in the middle of a see-saw, trying to balance but being brave enough to let things balance by themselves. It’s all very, very odd haha. 🙂

Enjoy it while it lasts..

This morning i received a text from a friend that i had made recently. He was texting me to let me know that he was moving back to Ireland to sort out his drinking problem. At first when i met this person i was reluctant to spend time with them, but the thing that hit me when i received the text is that i wish i hadn’t been so paranoid. sometimes people or events enter your life, and they may last for a long while or for a little while, sometimes they may be good , at other times they may be negative. at the end of the day nothing lasts forever so you may as well live in the moment and enjoy it whilst you can.

so what i’ve decided now is to try and live in the moment as best as i can and go with the flow and be one with life, because one day i may regret not doing just that.

Mental treadmill

I wish I could package everything that’s hurting me right now, everything that I’m worrying about and bundle it away and just forget about it. How is it possible for my brain to run over so many different things at once, over and over and over again? It’s like being on a wheel that doesn’t let up.

 

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