something a friend said to me a few days ago has stuck in my head.
‘sometimes when a person creates an identity of themselves it is hard to let go of that identity’.
i don’t ever think i’ve truly had an identity that i have defined myself. i’ve always either worked ridiculously hard academically in study striving fort straight a’s or worked eually hard at being ‘different’. turning the fact that i don’t actually fit in, into something positive and ‘cool’.
it’s a hard realisation that due to my not being able to sleep and wake up at particular times, that i will have to cut down on my studying and ultimately wave goodbye to any dream of straighr A grades at A level.i cannot physically or mentally pull all nighters and rationally i know it is not worth having a nervous/mental breakdown nin the pursuit of grades. it’s actually painful to have to accept that but i will try to work on it. another piece of my identity broken and lost due to the actions of others. it really sucks when your life is ripped apart due to it not being any fault of your own. but there’s not much i can do about the past really.
i still have insomnia, and sleeping pills are not having much effect any more – i’m still wide awake at 5 am. i still have nightmares when i sleep. i am STILL unable to feel anger towards those people’s whose actions have caused this.
all that’s left to do is try and get on with my recovery the best i can and greive what i have lost and try and be positive in the hope of gaining something new out of all the turmoil.
– ashes to ashes, dust to dust.