my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘inner child’

Today’s counselling thoughts

(I write this as ‘Today’s counselling thoughts’, but I made the notes for this blog post about two weeks ago, I have since completed my CBT therapy, but that will be spoken about in a future blog post)

Today I finally spoke about my abandonment issues to my counsellor. This has been something that did not begin to affect me in my adult life until I started having serious emotional relationships, I think my problems with feeling abandoned first became apparent when I was around 16 and was in a pretty dysfucntional relationship with a guy I was seeing on and off for about two years.

I originally came into this counselling session with the belief that it was my final counselling session, however it wasn’t. It always seems to be as I near the end of counselling that I am most open, this is probably due to the fact that the counselling sessions I have had have been short term counselling. I hope one day that I am able to have a long term therapist so that I am able to build up a relationship and speak openly about my problems for a longer period of time, however the short term therapy that I have received has been useful

I spoke about the issues I have with abandonment, which have stemmed from the relationship I have with the adults in my life. For some reason I can no longer type ‘parents’. It is sad, but I do not feel as if these people deserve that label. This may be a temporary thing, I am not sure, I am just working through my inner child and the relationships that I have with these individuals. It helped me realise that I have an intense fear of feeling that I am being left alone. This reaction is mainly my inner child, because as an adult I need time alone in order to work through my feelings, also naturally I am a pretty solitary person, this is what helps me to be productive and to be myself.

I think in this counselling session is when I realised that I am only human. It was quite a revelation. To realise you are only human and that you are allowed to have reactions and emotions in regard to going through abuse. For some reason I have separated myself from other people, feeling that it is normal and encouraging people to cry and be upset if they have been hurt, but not doing this myself because for some reason another rule exists for me. I think subconsciously I feel that if I cry or allow myself to feel these feelings than somehow the perpetrators of this hurt will have won. But I think by thinking in this way that they have already won because I am not allowing myself to be ‘normal’ in the sense of having human emotions and reactions.

It was around this time that I made the revelation of only being human and recognising why I struggle so much with abandonment, is when I finally explained to my bf why I am such an insecure person. (This was also linked to another event which I will not type because it is a personal event in my relationship, also it is a bit embarrassing). I feel frustrated that this abandonment continues to plague my life, but I know understand that in order to overcome it, I have to sit with the feeling of abandonment and take myself back to the place from which these feelings originate from, acknowledge these feelings and cope with them in order to be able to move on in my adult life. I do not have the answers to everything at the moment, and I do not need the answers as the majority of the time as I have found out the hard way searching for answers as to why I was treated in this way does not actually make me feel better, it just makes me feel more confused.

My counsellor said to me what I already knew in myself, the fact that encouragement must come from myself. It doesn’t matter how long I spend in therapy or how many people tell me good things about myself or congratulate me for good things I have accomplished in my life. If I cannot congratulate myself or believe that I am a good person or have confidence in myself then there is no point in me doing all this work. It is only now that I am admitting that I have done a lot of work in order to still be standing here alive and still fighting today. I am now trying to learn to be present in myself. To acknowledge that I exist and that I am living and breathing and fighting. I need to recognise positive things I have done. Some times it feels like I am banging my head against a rock, but eventually I do allow myself to be proud in what I have achieved and recognise that I have indeed achieved good things. I want to gain my confidence to be myself back. I want my life back. Those who tried to put me down and abuse me and make me hate myself do not deserve to win. I deserve to win. It is my life.

My new task is now spending time alone with myself. Recognising that spending time by myself is not a bad thing. That life with myself is not a bad thing. I now say to myself throughout the day ‘I love myself. I am a good person and I deserve good things’. I am now beginning to believe it more than I did when I first began to repeat this mantra. It is only in loving myself that I will continue to have the strength to continue to heal from abuse and to live my life to the fullest. It is a pretty difficult thing to learn when nobody has taught you how to do this, but there is no better time to start.

Lastly, I discussed the fear I have of everything going wrong and the need to be in control because of this fear. I now recognise this as anxiety. And anxiety is not real. I realise I have anxiety because my inner child is still damaged and scared and living in the past of my childhood. It is only by connecting with my inner child and facing this childhood that I can free myself from this anxiety and from consistently living in fear.

My counsellor explained to me that fear will be my initial reaction to most things due to anxiety and due to the need to stay in control, but I have to feel the fear and continue to push through it anyway. If I believe in myself and have this confidence then I can do anything no matter how scary it may seem at first glance.

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Life beyond self hatred?

When I began this blog it was sort of half a personal blog for myself, and also a blog for the public. I don’t know why but I always have felt the need to broadcast my life to people in the hopes of sorting out things in my head. Obviously it is good to talk to people about your problems, but sometimes I find myself writing or acting out my life in the way I feel that other people would like. I don’t think this is good because it doesn’t particularly help me, it just puts in my head the idea that I am staring in some sort of soap drama, when in reality I am not, and really what I need to do is reconnect with myself and stop disassociating from my life and my feelings. I need to learn to live my life for myself, something I was not taught to do and now I am struggling to learn how to do.

 Yesterday I bought myself a little pocket notebook, one of those small notebooks that I can slip in my handbag and carry around with me to jot ideas down. I am using this notebook as my blogging notebook, mainly because I ask myself a lot of emotional questions and have the bad habit of overthinking and then never remembering what I was thinking about. I think it helps me to think out things but sometimes I feel I think too much and it doesn’t really get me anywhere.. perhaps that is anxiety.

Its a bit strange getting used to the idea of writing out my blog before I type it up, but I think maybe in this way I keep a bit for myself, I do it for myself, I am the first one I am writing to, I am not writing for the benefit or for the eyes of other people. I thought that it would be a good idea for me to write a personal blog for myself. I guess in this sense it is a diary, but instead I just ramble on about things. Come to think of it I don’t really understand what the difference between a blog and a diary is really, I guess a blog is just online.

anyways i guess i should type up what i wrote yesterday (saturday):-

 My problem with anxiety and depression and fantasying catastrophes for myself, the destructive high of drama and negativity reached new heights yesterday. Partly it was not all my fault, but I understand that I do need to work hard at taking care of myself and being present and off the internet and in touch with myself. I haven’t really decided what my plan is. To plan blog posts and write them up, or to generally keep a diary. i think keeping a diary I can write in, or as many different writing books as possible would be best.

  I am tired of hating myself and feeling bad and undesirable. When I am not causing myself stress of thinking that the worst is aways about to happen, of feeling that good things do not deserve to happen to me. Of never wanting to feel present in my life. As if my life is unimportant and that I need to be someone other than myself. It is a habit and an addiction and like all addictions, the negative effects are time wasting, both mentally and physically. I think the main truth if it really is I feel lost and I’m not  really quite sure what to so with myself. Perhaps this is what spurs on the need to feel miserable all the time. I need to actually be able to sit down and not be too hard on myself, I have been through alot, particularly atm and I am going through and anniversary of sorts. 

I think now the message of one day at a time, i really need to take seriously, before I push myself into another breakdown. I am finding it very hard by myself, being alone, not having constant comfort from my bf, feeling as if I will never see him again, feeling as if he will leave me and forever abandon me. The fear of abandonment, it is my biggest fear, although I will never talk about it to anyone. Never to a counsellor, never to a friend, never to my bf, never to myself really. How does a person get rid of the fear of being abandoned, when they constantly feel that they themselves are not worth sticking around for? 

I am very tired atm, I think it was the mental exhaustion from Friday, I need to rest and relax, but as soon as I think that, the first thought is to go back onto social media, on to fb, on to the internet, to feel wanted. I think perhaps recognising when I am not in a state where I feel good about myself, that it is not productive or helpful to do these things.

On reflection, the fear that my bf will disappear forever has never been made reality, I think the main problem is fear of abandonment from my mother, father and uncle, during my time of need – childhood, and my inner child doesn’t know how to cope with this. I became an adult too early and now I am confused. It is as if I have an obsession with abandonment. It causes me to fail to spend quality time with myself and it causes me to fail to understand why people would wish to spend quality time with me

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