On being ill

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I currently have the flu. It’s not the most life threatening illness, but it’s forced me to slow down and think for a bit.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is my own fault for being so sick.

I don’t spend time with myself, I don’t take care of myself mentally or physically, I spend more time hating myself and imagining causing myself pain.. wanting to cause myself pain, than taking a break. Giving myself a break.

I spent time fantazing about cutting today. I don’t want or feel the need to cut. It’s just the thought of the sharpness and pain.

But I hate scars.

I’ve spent a lot of time on youtube. Watching old punk videos and reading up on feminism. I also found a really great blog today which I will put below. This girl is pretty awesome and has made me remember a lot of ideas about myself that I have conveniently put away due to deep depression.

awesomebloggirlperson..

I don’t know what self-love is. I think I used to , a long time ago, before a lot of destructive people came into my life

I was talking to a friend.. well 2 friends yestrerday about destructive relationships, gaslighting, emotional abuse and love.

I know what it feels like when someone you care.. possibly love/did love uses words against you in a way that makes you feel as if you are crazy. Where each incident feels like a physical blow to the head. When you become so scared of speaking up because you are afraid of making them angry. In someways I wish I had been hit, physical scars are so much more easier to overcome than mental scars.

I know I have to get over my emotional abuse if I am ever going to be able to overcome sexual abuse.

i didn’t know it was possible to be afraid of letting someone else in.

I’d rather just run and be a coward.