my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘healing’

28th May 2014

(I didn’t have a title for this blog post, I only have the date on which I made the notes for it)

Of recent I have been scoring in the 40’s and 50’s on my moodscope. These are the highest scores I have recorded on there since last May when I started to record my mood. The beginning of my highest scores ever began on the 28th of May, which is a far cry from this time last year. I have a picture that I drew on the 29th of May 2013, when I believed that my little sister was about to die. I drew the angel of death. I think that picture was one of the darkest that I have drawn. I still have it on my wall, I think it is important to acknowledge the feelings that I had at that time, but to also take into account that all is well now.

I have a habit of not wanting to come home. I think this is linked to the fact that I feel as if home is not a place that I want to come back to. ‘Home’ as in the sense of the childhood home that I had no choice but to go back to. I am trying to make sure I make the journey back home when I go to visit friends, I think it is important for me to feel as if I have a place that I can go back to, which is safe and which is my own space. Safety and personal space is a thing I am working very hard at attempting to create. I think it will help in the journey of attempting to heal from never feeling safe during my childhood. I remember being at home and dreading the sound of either my mum or dad coming in through the door. The locking myself up in my room and pretending to sleep. Even not eating because I did not want to be around anyone. I still do that now sometimes when I feel particularly low. I lock myself up in my room and don’t eat for days. It doesn’t do me any good and I am punishing myself due to the actions of others.

I have actively been doing more personal work. I think I am getting better at connecting with myself as opposed to just writing streams of misery and dwelling in that misery. I miss myself, I had a very close relationship to myself when I was younger, I suppose I had to, nobody else did. I think this relationship is important and I am working on trying to mend this relationship and get it back. I am recognising that the self- help that I am doing has contributed to this and now I want to be able to feel strong in the confidence of myself and know that the work I am doing is having an effect and is making me stronger.

In regard to my improvement in Moodscope scores, it is not that I have been feeling fantastic, I think it was mainly me being honest in my feelings that helped me to improve my mood. I think a big contributor to depression is the fact you become numb to your own feelings and you forget that you have any or pretend that nothing affects you. I think this just works to make you further depressed. Of recent, due to the CBT iIhave completed, I think I feel a bit safer in attempting to be honest in how I feel with people that I trust. I think this is important, it allows me to get things off my chest and it allows me to remember that I have people that I can talk to if I need support.

I ave become resigned to the fact that I probably have to get used to doing a lot of writing from now on, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. I think for me writing is a release, it is the first way that I am able to get thoughts out of my head and in time this allows me to speak about these thoughts. Writing makes the thoughts real which can be scary, but also helps me to evaluate and process my thoughts. Writing in my personal diary aswel has also helped me greatly and I often feel better for writing things down in a place that I know is for my eyes only. Although I still have the fear someone will read it against my will. I think this also stems from childhood and having no privacy in my house. Now I am an adult and I am entitled to privacy and nobody can take that away from me.

 

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putting off everything

I haven’t written a blog post in a long time mainly because i have a lot of things going on in my head but i do not know how to begin to type them out. I have been feeling very shit for a long, long time. I have been very confused and thinking very deep , dark and hateful thoughts. I resent most people in my life at the moment, I feel very angry inside and twisted. I don’t understand why people will not reach out to help me and ask how I am, and at the same time I do not want these people anywhere near me. I feel like I hate people but at the same time all I want is a hug. I do not know how to do my relationship anymore, whatever ‘doing’ a relationship means. I do not know how to be close to someone, then when I am close to my partner I pull away and run. I do not know how to do my friendships, i think for days in my head of how I am going to call one person and explain everything to them, and then i decide not to do it. One day i feel less shit and I try to implement new ideas, the next day i feel drained and bleak , covered in dried tears and wishing I would die. I started thinking maybe i am bipolar. I am not bipolar, i am just surpressing bad memories and feelings and lashing out so i do not have to sit down and acknowledge this. But now i have no choice, i feel as if I am driving myself crazy, perhaps subconsciously i am doing this on purpose. I am creating every drama and every possible obstacle or distraction so that I do not have to sit down and face myself or my feelings. That i do not have to remember the hurt that accompanies me now every easter/spring/exam period. I ignore my past in the hope that one day I will wake up normal, have a normal jpb, a normal marriage and normal kids. That I will wake up and I will not have my own life, that I will have somebody elses life. It is now slowly dawning on me that this will not be possible. I resent feeling like I am stuck in a loop, that for me to be able to move forward and want to remain in my own body ( well where else can i go anyway???!!), i have to go back in time to my past and do battle there. To recognise that I my childhood was part of my life and it sucks. It hurts. And I don’t want to do it

Strength

I was thinking today about plans.

when you plan something in your life, you expect it to be easy and to work out the way you intended it to. But that rarely ever happens.

I sat outside today thinking that coming out of this alive will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. That giving up is the easier option because I won’t have to struggle to find the strength to come to terms with all the memories and the anguish that gets drawn up.

I don’t know where I am going to get that strength from, but it has to come from somewhere because that is the only choice I have right now.

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