when you have pretty much been abandoned by those closest to you whilst trying to recover it leaves you feeling very bitter and twisted and angry at the world and everyone in it.
how can you trust anyone? you can’t even trust yourself for putting your trust in those people in the first place and expecting them to help carry or ease your burden. but then at the same time you don’t want to burden other people, because it is not their baggage to carry. nobody but yourself can experience this therefore who else is supposed to solve this problem?
i think childhood abuse has to be the biggest betrayal I’ve experienced. well it is, but it doesn’t feel like it. i feel like I’m pushing it away and covering it with other betrayals so that it doesn’t hurt quite so much, so that i don’t have to unleash the full horror that it is.
it’s funny how i can feel anger and disgust at the experiences and tales of others , but i can normalize what happened to me and almost brush it away. Like it was nothing. as if I’m nothing. Nada. Zilch
although i understand why some people choose to ignore me when i tell them what happened to me or minimize what it was or just refuse to acknowledge the information, i will not and cannot forgive anyone who has abandoned me when i most need them. i don’t generally ask for help, so when I’ve come to a point where I’ve sunk so low and try to turn to those who are important in my life and they shun/ignore me, i don’t know how to place that.
one day when I’m in a better state of mind I’ll look back and actually believe myself when i say that people’s reactions are not a reflection of me and that i am not responsible for the decisions people choose to make.
but right now i don’t fully believe that, i think to myself maybe i’m right to suffer the way i am now. maybe there was something i could have done to prevent being abused. and maybe all the betrayal, abandonment and heartache i feel right now is justified by what i have done.
i read somewhere earlier today on a forum about a woman who despised herself. she had a date and basically could not understand why this guy would chose her over a normal person. i guess normal means someone who hasn’t been ‘tainted’.
in a way i can relate to this. why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with someone so dirty, and self doubting and disgusted with their own being. someone who looks for pity and harbors in self pity,. who begs for attention and longs for companionship however bad that companionship may be. who can’t even get out of bed in the morning to shower because they feel so degraded. who breaks down at every opportunity because they feel as if they can’t cope.
i find it amazing that someone can feel all this, yet the outside world doesn’t notice and carries on as normal.
How do you NOT notice?
well actually some do notice, but not the people you want to notice.. maybe I should just be grateful for those who are supporting me right now.
anyway, the main point was that someone commented ‘you would not allow someone to say these hurtful things to you, so why do you allow yourself to?’
I don’t know..