my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘growth’

Aside

Being a bitch

Last weekend i made a man run down the road from me, because he was so terrified of confrontation.

it’s funny, as soon as you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect, these horrible people suddenly drop from you like flies.

I’ve never seen someone run down the road at such speed.

I am also pretty surprised that i had it in my self to confront someone directly about the way they had treated me and to stand my ground and keep my boundaries.

although it was strange. i felt a little guilty after doing so, maybe that’s because i’m not used to actually valuing myself and having other people value me? i don’t know.

i find it very hard to give men a chance know. i think everything they say to me is bullshit. maybe it’s a defence mechanism. maybe i’m just pissed off.

the day before that i spent the whole night getting free drinks off men , who thought that by buying me alcohol they could get me home. i had no remorse in giving them a run for their money. i think they’re all pathetic cunts. maybe i’mĀ becomingĀ a man hater. i think i have reason to be one. but then at the same time in the back of my head i know that not all men are the same. maybe i just need to go through this period of sifting through the dirt in order to learn and for my life to become better?

maybe i need to sit, absorb, think, reflect, enjoy the moment, be terrified, be brave. i don’t know really. maybe i just need to accept that for this moment in time i don’t have the answers to everything and that it’s okay not to.

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Growth

i feel as if i am on the edge of something new, but i feel compelled by fear to hold on to old ways and the past.

today i met up with a friend who may possibly become a new sex partner. i also came to the realisation that if i was to enter a romantic relationship with someone , it wouldn’t be just to fill a void. i don’t want that anymore. i want someone who lights up my world and who makes me want them. i don’t want to feel as if i should settle. that’s something i’ve been doing for a long time. settling for people that don’t give me what i want because it’s better than not having anyone. but it’s not better, it just makes me feel even more alone.

i’m experiencing a new path and testing out what it is that i want and need.

my friend called me indecisive today, and suggested maybe it’s because i don’t know who i really am. maybe i don’t know anymore. so much stuff has happened recently and what i thought was stability has been thrown up in the air and now the pieces are waiting to hit the ground. i’m still waiting for them to fall in place.

i feel as if i have to remould myself. re define myself. get to know myself again. sexually and spiritually. over the years i’ve become very lost and extremely unhappy. hell, i’m still unhappy. but after this unhappiness somethind has to come of it.

it has to.

because if it doesn’t then what is the point?

change is supposed to be painful right?

so when does the pain end and when will i get to reap the benefits?

i wish i had someone to answer my questions

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