Lately i’ve been having dreams about having to lie about where i am or dreaming that i still live at home, feeling trapped and constrained.
then i wake up and remember that i don’t live at home anymore, and i stop panicking.
visiting my siblings sort of opened my eyes to the fact that i don’t feel very young anymore which is ridiculous as i’m 19. but i don’t feel 19 i feel as if i’ve aged beyond my years in an incredibly short space of time, which could be seen as either positive or negative.
i feel as if i’ve had to deal with things and worry about issues that most 19 year olds would not have to. i’ve been told that i don’t seem as if i’m 19 , just the other day i was told that i have ‘a wise head on my shoulders’.
the problem with not feeling your age in that i sort of feel out of sync. i don’t know if i can really feel comfortable with people who are older than me , say in their 30s onwards, but at the same time i do. i get suspicious of the motives of older men. to tell the truth i’m suspicious of the motives of most people around me these days. i don’t know if that’s just paranoia or anxiety.
for the first time in my life i seem to be drawing attention left right and centre. and also for the first time in my life i don;t really care. maybe that’s part of maturing, not being desperate for attention and feeling cynical. it’s sad but at the same time its a safeguard against hurt i suppose. i’ve been through enough recently.
listening to my body i can tell it’s under a lot of stress, although i don’t know what the source of stress is. maybe it’s another sign i need to take care of myself some more, and listen to what i need and stop worrying quite so much.
it doesn’t help that i feel as if i am being judged all the time, or that my mother is still in denial and feels the need to call me and pretend nothing at all has happened in the past few months. but at the end of the day there’s nothing i can do to control or change the way she is, so i’ve given up on that. right now i can’t really handle her, so i ‘m just going to try and figure out a way of reducing my stress levels and enjoy whatever is happening at this moment in time.