my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘grief’

coming to terms with bad parenting

i have recently started reading a book on self nurture. the book is helping me, although the  downside to it is that everytime i read a bit i end up crying because it hits a nerve. i’ve been doing a lot of crying these days, i don’t necessarily think it is a negative thing.. i guess grief is a necessary coping mechanism..better out than in.

yesterday night i realised i cannot deal with the trauma of child abuse without first dealing with the trauma of emotional and physical abuse left by my family. it is a scary thought knowing i will have to deal with this and i can feel my natural reaction of wanting to cause drama to deflect away from resolving the real issues that i need to deal with.

in all honesty i am tired and feel as if i have drawn the short straw. all my life i have taken on the burden of feeling guilty or bad in order to stop those who have caused my pain feeling bad, whilst they go scot free. it is unfair.. why should i have to be dealing with this when they don’t. i am the one dealing with disturbing emotions, self hatred, low self-esteem , a confused mind state with no support or help, yet when i eventually come out of this the same people who caused this state will be looking to benefit from any improvements. 

i will not allow that to happen. ultimately i will have to face my demons alone, if people want to offer a hand then fine.. but i don’t really want anyone else involved. i don’t know how to trust people .. my parents laid the template for that. i’m very confused and emotional at the moment. hopefully this will pass.

Drained

i don’t want to think too much, because if i do think or the horrible things will be too much and i’ll stop wanting to think, and i’ll be overwhelmed and i’ll do something stupid.

i saw my counsellor today. i told her about how i have issues with people teaching me things, and how i’d rather teach myself. i told i think it may be linked to my child abuse, i don’t know.

we spoke about my past relationships.

we spoke about a lot of things but i don’t really have the energy to write about it at the moment.

i’m very tired as usual and now i have chest pains and i don’t know why. and i feel emotional and it also doesn’t help that my housemate has just written a facebook status talking about how she loves her friend so much and wants to rape her.

i wish i had the ‘luxury’ to joke about rape. 

is it even a luxury or just pure stupidty?

i have an unfinished book about child sexual abuse staring me in the face, i don’t want to continue reading it.

Gaps.

these days i’m sleeping a ridiculous amount of hours. i’m pretty fed up at the moment.

today before i went to sleep i was crying over my last relationship, then when i woke up the first thing that came into my head is that i can’t use people to fill a void that they didn’t cause. the void will always be there, i’ll need to learn to fill it up myself.

i feel so lonely and sad but i can’t pinpoint the exact reason.

my head seems more free to think things through, but my body is so exhausted.

i wish i had someone to cling to, but i don’t like clinging to people. by nature i think i am an independant person, by circumstance i end up stuck like glue to others who can only do so much to help me.

i’m tired. extraordinarily tired. and no amount of sleep seems to be curing this.

unable to accept reality

2 days ago ni found out that the uy i thought i had romantic feelings for had domestic violence tendencies in his last relationship.

i also found out for that the past 2 months or so that he’s lost interest in me, and was told this by a friend.

not even from him.

i then had our sex life broadcasted in front of a room oif strangers, hearing about how shit it was, and in short had the most horrible breakup convo i’ve had in a while.

this was someone i had trusted completely.

although i know what happened was for the best, i feel as if i was completely mistaken about this person. he wasn’t who i thought he was. this was someone i had trusted and now they changed and i actually felt scared oif them.

the thing that worries me the most is that if he still had feelings for me, i would probably still have tried to work it out regardless of the domestic violence issue.

these past few months have been a rollercoaster of change and although painful i think it will all work out in the end.

but yh, the ending of any relationship is sad i suppose, more so when you feel that person had changed your life for the better and they turn out to be exactly the thing you’re trying to run away from.

i’m very tired of all this.

waving goodbye to my past self

something a friend said to me a few days ago has stuck in my head.

‘sometimes when a person creates an identity of themselves it is hard to let go of that identity’.

i don’t ever think i’ve truly had an identity that i have defined myself. i’ve always either worked ridiculously hard academically in study striving fort straight a’s or worked eually hard at being ‘different’. turning the fact that i don’t actually fit in, into something positive and ‘cool’.

it’s a hard realisation that due to my not being able to sleep and wake up at particular times, that i will have to cut down on my studying and ultimately wave goodbye to any dream of straighr A grades at A level.i cannot physically or mentally pull all nighters and rationally i know it is not worth having a nervous/mental breakdown nin the pursuit of grades. it’s actually painful to have to accept that but i will try to work on it. another piece of my identity broken and lost due to the actions of others. it really sucks when your life is ripped apart due to it not being any fault of your own. but there’s not much i can do about the past really.

i still have insomnia, and sleeping pills are not having much effect any more – i’m still wide awake at 5 am. i still have nightmares when i sleep. i am STILL unable to feel anger towards those people’s whose actions have caused this.

all that’s left to do is try and get on with my recovery the best i can and greive what i have lost and try and be positive in the hope of gaining something new out of all the turmoil.

– ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Little Children

i went to yoga today. before my lessons there was a kids mixed martial arts class in which i helped out in. i felt sad watching the little kids. they all seemjed so happy and carefree and innocent. and so, really tiny. there was one particular girl there, she was so small and she seemed so trusting of me helping her out even though she’d never met me before.

it makes me sad when i look at little kids because i think that’s what i was like. i was innocent and trusting and carefree and happy. and small, so small. and someone took advantage of that and abused it. 

i don’t understand.

when i look at these little kids i don’t see how someone could view them as an object of sexual desire. believe me i’ve tried, in some sick perverted way to get inside the mind of an abuser and see what is so attractive, but i don’t get that desire. to be honest there’s probably something wrong with me for trying to get into that mindset.

i was sitting down today and thought about something that had been running through my mind for the past few days. 

This will stayu with me forever.

It will not disappear. It will always be there, inside. sick , disgusting and twisted. and i’m the one who has been punished with carrying it for life.

That is if it’s true.

I know it’s true , I just can’t accept it. 

I got a book in the post today. It’s called ‘Breaking Free. Help for survivors of child sexual abuse’. hopefully it will give me some insight

Heartbreak

i woke up this morning and i realised i felt heartbroken. This was different to heartbreak i’d experienced before from the ending of relationships. It was weird, difficult to put a finger on. I felt empty. Alone. Exhauseted. Numb.

I wanted to hug myself and cry, to crawl back into bed because i didn’t want to face the day. to continue sleeping my life away. continue feeling fustrated. i was fustrated with myself. yesterday i’d made all these plans with what i was going to do with today and they fell apart. I was bitterly disappointed and felt as if I’d been set back. i didn’t even have the willpower to wake up.

I can’t cry. not right now. it’s like my mind is stubborn. too stubborn to let go and accept. so it keeps me in a constant state of turmoil and anxiety. insomnia and silent despair. 

i feel as if i need to greive the loss of myself but i can’t. so i concentrate on greiving for other people and their problems. but then i found out today that sometime i really just don’t care. some peoples problems surely are nothing compqared to mine. nobody  sits down with me and listens to my bullshit and self-pity so why should i? i don’t know where this anger comes from. then i feel disgusted with not being able to feel emphathy and ashamed for belittling the problems of others.. or do i really? maybe i need to be more selfish.

i went to counselling today. it’s the counselling i’m going to in the meantime before my ‘official’ counselling is set up in 6-12 weeks. ha. nobody can say i don’t try or put in the effort to get better. wait actually people do say that. by people i mean me. i don’t really believe i’m trying. maybe i’m being too hard on myself. maybe i’m not. nothing is ever good enough.

I’m going round in circles. big round wide circles of denial. because i refuse to believe i was raped as a child. that wasn’t me. rape doesn’t happen to people like me.

people like me? yes it does. having intelligence doesn’t make you exempt from rape, or emotional abuse or physical abuse. being smart doesn’t stop you from being vulnerable.

so i fight with myself. and keep trying to keep up the wall that’s keeping my inner emotions out, yet at the same time trying to bring the wall down. i wonder who will win. i’ll observe from the outside.

this is what sorrow is. it hurts so bad that you become immune to feeling it, just because you want to get by.

Self pity

I spent 2 hours last night crying.

I cried because i realised that my mother was more concerned with ensuring she was able to use me to take money out of my bank account to give to her, than she was about my own mental wellbeing.

Because she was more concerned with keeping up appearances with her friends than making sure her own daughter was sane

That her own pride came before anybody else’s sanity or health

I cried because i thought if my own mother doesn’t love or care for me then why would any body else?

I cried because my mother and my uncle think I am a joke. That I’m a child who is incapable of thinking for herself.

Because they find it funny to manipulate me and belittle me and laugh at my attempts to be independent.

Because I’m stupid.

I woke up feeling sick. i don;’t know why. i feel ashamed. i want to curl up in a ball in the dark and weep. i feel the disgust seeping all over myself. maybe i do really hate myself but i don’t know why. maybe it’s because my own flesh and blood can’t stand the sight of me. why? i don’t know. i don’t know what i did to make thewm despise me so much

Maybe one day someone will let me know. until then i guess i have to try and forget it.

It’s the kind of pain that slowly drives you mad. there’s always the critical voice in my head sthat doesn’t disappear.

I can’t take away something that has become such an ingrained part of me.

Blocked

i don’t even know what to type. I have so many thoughts running around in my head,l yet when the time comes for me to sort it out and write nothing will come out. It’s like someone just blocked all my outlets.

I do remember early thinking about how I feel that I can’t trust men due to what every significant male in my life has put me through. I don’t mean this in a whingey ‘i hate all men’ kind of way, but as in literally every male role model i’ve had or have looked up to has let me down bitterly.

My father

My uncle

All serious romantic partners

My rapists.

I think i’ve began to lose hope in any romantic relationship current and future. I just don’t understand what the point in trusting and opening myself up to people is, if they just carve me out in the end.

Either that or I get with people to hurt them in the same way I’ve been hurt or just go for people I KNOW will hurt me in the same way again.

Tbh I’d rather not take up the second suggestion because even though i inflict hurt on myself, and behave in self-destructive ways, don’t see why anybody else should have to suffer for it.

don’t know where this mood came from, I was dancing to electro music about half and hour ago with no worries in the world. 

Moodswings. Insomnia. Numbness. It just comes when I least expect it, just like the abuse is laughing me in my face.

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