my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘friendship’

relationships: relearning the difference between friendship and sexual relationships

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Untitled.

This was written by my friend. I think it pretty much sums up how i feel about past relationships and those who want to control and manipulate free spirits.

 

‘ You cannot tame a butterfly
If you wish it to retain beauty
For only in freedom
Floating in the breeze
Is their splendour manifested

To keep one for yourself, contained
You must catch it in a net
Put it in a jar
Pin it to a board
Rip off its wings
Options boasting of barbarity ‘

Thoughts

It seems to be these days i always come out with the intention of writing about one thing but then i end up writing about a whole bunch of things together.

i might aswel start with the thing that has been bugging me the most today. one of my friends is a bit difficult to handle and today she decided to insult me. to cut a long story short when you try and reach out to someone and they constantly cut you off and reply with one word answers.. you tend to stop giving a shit.

  apparently my friend does not have enough time in her day to have a conversation with me over trivial matters.

i think maybe in the past i would have let someone get away with talking to me as if my time is not worthwhile, but for some reason this made me very angry and upset. it made me feel as if i was an irritation. a silly little child. not someone who was trying to reach out to someone who was in trouble.

anyways..

i am now currently trying to come to terms with the label of ‘disabled’. i think it’s a sort of stigma really which is hard to get over. being diagnosed with depression means i am classified as a disabled student, which means i am liable for certain types of support.

i think it is the whole trying to come to terms with a new identity or fitting together pieces of my life slowly and getting to know who i actually am again.

i still feel very raw from everything that has happened.

i guess things will slowly improve or fit together.. or i duno.

i probably have a lot more thinking to do

Aside

Combating idiocy

this week has seen me have guys sleep over or me sleep over at guys houses and not instantly think that sex was expected of me, which is a vast improvement from a few months ago. slowly, even though it’s hard i’m beginning to be able to have friendships with men without feeling that i need to ‘reward’ them in some way.

i’ve noticed that if i talk to a guy, people around automatically seem to assume that someone wants to sleep with the other. to me this is just immature bullshit.

maybe this is what happens when you supposedly become an ‘adult’, all people seem to think about is sex. or maybe this is just what happens when you grow up to become and insecure fool? i don’t know.

i’m also starting to recognise when i am attracted to someone because they have a lot of drama going on in their life, which is also an improvement.

but in all honesty, i wish people would just grow up. it makes it hard to have friendships when people are always putting outside pressures of the ‘expectation’ of sex being involved.

Friendship and other strange things..

For the first time in my life I’ve found that i’m actually making friends.

Not that I didn’t have friends before, but friends in the sense that I actually have people to discuss things with and confide with, friends who actually seem to care about my well being, not just ‘hello and goodbye’ sort of friendships.

And it’s all very strange to me.

It’s something new I’m trying to learn. How to maintain friendship and also how to accept it. How to be with people and actually have conversations and be interested in people’s lives, on  more than just a surface level.

Friendship is an important thing. Humans are social creatures, as much as people may claim they don’t like people, that is never completely true. Life gets lonely at times and you need people to share that journey.

It’s strange to think that this is.. well strange to me.

It’s nice , but frightening at the same time.

For the first time as well I’m exploring having male friends that are just platonic instead of feeling that there must always be some sort of sexual attachment to it. To try and live without the anxiety that i have to be sexy in front of men, or that i have to impress them or make them desire me.

On the flip side, I’m also exploring for the first time getting to know someone in a romantic way and allowing them to get to know me, without feeling the need to be overtly sexual, but at the same time allowing myself to enjoy sexual feelings.

I feel as if i’m in the middle of a see-saw, trying to balance but being brave enough to let things balance by themselves. It’s all very, very odd haha. 🙂

Enjoy it while it lasts..

This morning i received a text from a friend that i had made recently. He was texting me to let me know that he was moving back to Ireland to sort out his drinking problem. At first when i met this person i was reluctant to spend time with them, but the thing that hit me when i received the text is that i wish i hadn’t been so paranoid. sometimes people or events enter your life, and they may last for a long while or for a little while, sometimes they may be good , at other times they may be negative. at the end of the day nothing lasts forever so you may as well live in the moment and enjoy it whilst you can.

so what i’ve decided now is to try and live in the moment as best as i can and go with the flow and be one with life, because one day i may regret not doing just that.

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