my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘flashbacks’

would you like an audience?

Today has been a tough day. I feel like I’ve gone up and down an emotional rollercoaster- so many feelings : anxiety, stress, happiness, shock, horror, disbelief, grief, revenge, bitterness, confusion and now I’m just numb and blank and my head hurts.

But I’m not here to rant and wallow in self-pity.

I keep getting this sudden urge to vomit and cry. I can cry but I can’t vomit. I can feel the bile build up but the vomit won’t come out. I want to be sick. Physically and mentally.

I always used to wonder what it would be like to go crazy. Sort of romanticised it , in the way peole build a love affair with the idea of death. You dress it up, not thinking about the negative points but only the blissful peace. or what you imagine to be peace.

I’m sorry. I want to apologise for what happened to me, the little girl i was 7 years ago , because nobody else will apologise for what happened. and when people offer their condolences it doesn’t matter because it’s not you who needs to apologise, it’s them.

I can still see one of them smiling .. smiling, joyful , gleeful even. not because they were doing something wrong, no because it was this new and exciting experience to have. a ringside seat. that look that you get when something is just so great you’re just gob smacked that you’ve been let in on it.

What kind of sick person watches his friend rape a 7 year old and sits there gleefully like a naughty boy who got the last of the chocolate?

I’d never actually remembered his facial expression until now..

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