Last weekend i made a man run down the road from me, because he was so terrified of confrontation.
it’s funny, as soon as you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect, these horrible people suddenly drop from you like flies.
I’ve never seen someone run down the road at such speed.
I am also pretty surprised that i had it in my self to confront someone directly about the way they had treated me and to stand my ground and keep my boundaries.
although it was strange. i felt a little guilty after doing so, maybe that’s because i’m not used to actually valuing myself and having other people value me? i don’t know.
i find it very hard to give men a chance know. i think everything they say to me is bullshit. maybe it’s a defence mechanism. maybe i’m just pissed off.
the day before that i spent the whole night getting free drinks off men , who thought that by buying me alcohol they could get me home. i had no remorse in giving them a run for their money. i think they’re all pathetic cunts. maybe i’m becoming a man hater. i think i have reason to be one. but then at the same time in the back of my head i know that not all men are the same. maybe i just need to go through this period of sifting through the dirt in order to learn and for my life to become better?
maybe i need to sit, absorb, think, reflect, enjoy the moment, be terrified, be brave. i don’t know really. maybe i just need to accept that for this moment in time i don’t have the answers to everything and that it’s okay not to.
The answer to this question should be simple. Me
But sometimes i find that hard to believe.
When someone invades your body through rape, you take a very confused approach to this question.
I remember when i was younger and i’d be on public transport and men would grope me, or guys would ask for me number in the street, then ask for a hug and grope me.
I took it as a compliment, as being normal, as this was the way things were meant to be and that i shouldn’t complain. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that i have the right to dictate who should and shouldn’t touch me, and that i have the right to object to those who invade my personal space.
I feel as if a lot of men i have come across in life feel as if they have some right to my body. This happened again recently at a party where a refused to hug some random stranger and he got aggressive and tried to start a fight with me. It’s a bit of a revelation to know that i can actually exercise this right. And that – NO- these guys don’t have the right to touch me without my consent.
That i have the right to wear whatever the hell i want and not feel as if i have to accept ‘compliments’ by force, and my clothes do not give men the right to expect me to smile when they make sleazy comments. that i don’t have to respond to random strangers in the street out of a sense of ‘duty’ and out of fear.
It will take a while to absorb this and actually be confident about it. and to be honest it’s pitiful really, that to me and many other girls this mindset is a revelation.
I currently have the flu. It’s not the most life threatening illness, but it’s forced me to slow down and think for a bit.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it is my own fault for being so sick.
I don’t spend time with myself, I don’t take care of myself mentally or physically, I spend more time hating myself and imagining causing myself pain.. wanting to cause myself pain, than taking a break. Giving myself a break.
I spent time fantazing about cutting today. I don’t want or feel the need to cut. It’s just the thought of the sharpness and pain.
But I hate scars.
I’ve spent a lot of time on youtube. Watching old punk videos and reading up on feminism. I also found a really great blog today which I will put below. This girl is pretty awesome and has made me remember a lot of ideas about myself that I have conveniently put away due to deep depression.
I don’t know what self-love is. I think I used to , a long time ago, before a lot of destructive people came into my life
I was talking to a friend.. well 2 friends yestrerday about destructive relationships, gaslighting, emotional abuse and love.
I know what it feels like when someone you care.. possibly love/did love uses words against you in a way that makes you feel as if you are crazy. Where each incident feels like a physical blow to the head. When you become so scared of speaking up because you are afraid of making them angry. In someways I wish I had been hit, physical scars are so much more easier to overcome than mental scars.
I know I have to get over my emotional abuse if I am ever going to be able to overcome sexual abuse.
i didn’t know it was possible to be afraid of letting someone else in.
I’d rather just run and be a coward.