my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘fear’

Childhood, lost

A childhood,

lost.

No hand to drag me from the darkness,

No saviour within.

No comfort. No touch. No love.

Touch uninvited.

Tongue scathing.

Lost.

No child.

No memory.

No love. Fear.. Fear.

Darkness, No love. Lost

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‘Brothers’

I remembered something when i was reading my book on child abuse.

it spoke about how some survivors of csa may fantasize about abusing other children in the same sexual way. while i was reading that i remembered that sometime i used to think of my siblings in a sexual way. not openly. more sort of supressed. but then push the thought away because it was wrong. i also remember reading stories about peadophile rings and chilod porn and subconsciously thinking maybe these actions weren’t so bad. but then snapping out of that and forcing myself to think that it was wrong. because rationally i know it is wrong, deep down i do not know if i believe that. my own belief system sexually has been tampered with so it’s very confusing.

yeah so as i was thinking about this , i remembered before my rape i think one of my grandparents told me that the 2 boys who lived with them were my ‘brothers’. not brothers as in blood brothers but somehow older substitute brothers because i didn’t have any and they were close to my age range. i don’t think this is a false memory because i remember saying to someone i have 2 brothers in nigeria and they are older than me. (actually i just remembered that now), i told that to one of my friends in school. i remember being so happy that i had these ‘brothers’. and often wondering whether in fact they were my real brothers.

so somehow i have experienced almost incest and child sexual abuse.

i connected this link to why in the past i sometimes thought of my uncle in a sexual way, or my siblings. because if it was ‘normal’ for my ‘brothers’ to do this, then it must be ‘normal’ for me to have these thoughts’

I don’t think it was normal at all. No , it’s not normal , it makes me feel sick.

I’ve always had problems with any form of relationship with older men. i always think that the relationship is sexual and find myself acting out and wanting to look ‘attractive’ for older men that i have no actual attraction for and generally feel sick at the thought of imagining them in any sexual way.

I always felt as if i had a duty to look ‘pretty’ for men and to exp[ect them to touch me in a certain way ande not be repulsed.. and to ‘want’ it.

i out myself in dangerous positions on purpose in the past. walking down alleyways, wanting to be harassed by men and be attackled in a sexual way. almost getting excited from the prospect of thinking about it. thankfully nothing has happened to me. actually i don’t know if i am really thankful about that just yet.

recently i find myself avoiding groups of older men, crossing the road and walking faster. i feel threatened when men approach me. i feel compelled to give out my number if men ask for it m, because ‘i have to’. i feel scared when guys try to chat me up or try to talk to me when i walk past them.

i have a weird relationship with men at the moment right now.

Link

On being ill

I currently have the flu. It’s not the most life threatening illness, but it’s forced me to slow down and think for a bit.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is my own fault for being so sick.

I don’t spend time with myself, I don’t take care of myself mentally or physically, I spend more time hating myself and imagining causing myself pain.. wanting to cause myself pain, than taking a break. Giving myself a break.

I spent time fantazing about cutting today. I don’t want or feel the need to cut. It’s just the thought of the sharpness and pain.

But I hate scars.

I’ve spent a lot of time on youtube. Watching old punk videos and reading up on feminism. I also found a really great blog today which I will put below. This girl is pretty awesome and has made me remember a lot of ideas about myself that I have conveniently put away due to deep depression.

awesomebloggirlperson..

I don’t know what self-love is. I think I used to , a long time ago, before a lot of destructive people came into my life

I was talking to a friend.. well 2 friends yestrerday about destructive relationships, gaslighting, emotional abuse and love.

I know what it feels like when someone you care.. possibly love/did love uses words against you in a way that makes you feel as if you are crazy. Where each incident feels like a physical blow to the head. When you become so scared of speaking up because you are afraid of making them angry. In someways I wish I had been hit, physical scars are so much more easier to overcome than mental scars.

I know I have to get over my emotional abuse if I am ever going to be able to overcome sexual abuse.

i didn’t know it was possible to be afraid of letting someone else in.

I’d rather just run and be a coward.

How to commit suicide

I nicked this from here : http://www.mysticmadness.com/7-easiest-and-best-ways-to-commit-suicide.html

sue me, actually please don’t lol… I’m poor.

I hope this helps someone 🙂

What I am living for? There is nothing left except pain. Each minute is a decade and it is getting on my nerves. I cannot bear this anymore; I want to finish my life. But How? What is the easiest and best way to commit suicide? How to commit suicide? How can this be painless so that I don’t even realize that my soul has come out of my body? If this is the thought in your mind then let me tell you that you are not alone. I am not a counselor or someone to guide here but what I would write now is something from my own experience. For me suicide is too easy. There are numerous ways to know how to commit suicide and the list is countless but that is not what I want to talk about in this post.

 

Suicide is all about a moment. It is the moment that forces you to end your life. People who have passed through that moment and still survived often regret their action. Suicide is just a symptom of a bigger problem and that bigger problem is different scenarios that force us to commit Suicide. Study the symptoms to get the problem and your life would be changed.

 

This post is all about different things happening to you in your life which are nothing but the easiest and best ways to commit suicide or to know how to commit suicide. Make this part of your behavior and you would have no option but to commit suicide sooner or later. It is clear way to know how to commit suicide. Avoid them and you can live again. These are the areas that are nothing less then committing suicide everyday in your life and not living the natural way. Try them and you would not ever ask “how to commit suicide” Lets talk about them now

 

 

1) Expectation-Most people commit suicide because they have expectations from others and if others fail they have nothing left to live for. You keep expectation from life, the one you love, you family, friends, mentors etc. etc. and it seems your life is running on expectations only. When no one lives upto your expectations you feel that world is bad and that you life is meaningless. So you have two options- keep expectations from others and get forced to commit suicide or dont keep expectations on others and live your life the adventurous way. The choice is yours. Ask yourself “Am I suffering because I am keeping expectations from others?” and you would get the answer. Stop expecting from people and you would never have to ask how to commit suicide.

 

2) Comparison- Your life is going nowhere, you don’t posses the luxuries, you don’t have a boyfriend, you aren’t happy while every other person around you have so much promising stuff in their lives. It is habit of people to compare and then feel bad about them. The situation aggravates with time and they feel that it is only them who have all the suffering in life. Not enjoying what you have and spoiling you life by doing comparison is nothing less then committing suicide. You are unique and so are your problems, you life, and your issues. Face them and learn to enjoy in them. Comparing yourself and feeling bad about it is nothing less then committing suicide. Do it and you would asking again How to commit suicide.

 

3) Feeling Sorry For Yourself- You cannot win, you cannot buy, you cannot perform, you cannot enjoy just because there is some issue with you and your excuse has always been one thing or the other. You are always a sorry figure and it does gets you some attention. Soon you develop a habit of it and feel that people should empathize with you more and more. You get a kick out of it and somehow enjoy it too. Feeling sorry for yourself is like committing a suicide in itself because you yourself close all doors of improvement or effort in your life. Do it and you would always ask how to commit suicide.

 

4) Negativity– Everytime you look at something you look at bad side of it. You mind is always jealous of one thing or the other. Your whole day goes into thinking about things that holds no importance. Your heart is filled with hatred and you desire nothing but bad things. It is all about mind and with time you have filled it with bad feelings and thoughts. You develop a habit that is nothing but compares to committing suicide. It brings about the feeling how to commit suicide.

 

5) Not Seeking Help- Internally you know you suffer from things like depression, stress, anxiety but you are afraid to seek help. Something in you stops you from seeking help and you believe everything would be right soon. But the problem aggravates and soon you are standing on the verge to give your life. Not seeking help from professionals or people who matter in your life is among the easiest and best way to commit suicide. Not seeking help would always make you wonder how to commit suicide.

 

 6) Fear Of Change- You want a change badly in your life but you are scared to take the first step. You are sick of your environment but cannot muster enough courage to go for a change. The end result is that you stay wherever you are and with time create a grave for yourself. Keeping fear in your mind and not seeking change is a form to commit suicide….an extension to asking how to commit suicide.

 

7) No Work- Not doing any work and not keeping yourself busy soon deteriorates your mind and brings both bad health and thoughts in your mind. Keeping yourself busy is best way to get rid of multiple diseases and sins. Doing nothing and letting your mind wander aimlessly is one of easiest and best way to commit suicide. A mind without work will always ask for how to commit suicide.

 

I will repeat this again, giving your life is too easy. It is the easiest thing you can do. But the real change lies in facing your life head on. If you are even thinking of committing suicide then read the above points and you would yourself realize that by doing one of above 7 things you have already pushed yourself on verge of committing suicide or asking how to commit suicide. The best you can do now is to reverse its effect. Yes, now that you know the symptom that has caused problem you should definitely take the first step to be at least positive for this moment and reverse the bad part. Go…….take the first step…….Life is fun, discover it. Kill the problem, give life another chance.

confusion

Earlier today I found out someone important to me had tried to take their life and was only still here because they had been found by someone else. I don’t really know what to do with this information, it just makes it seem so real. Well it is real, but more life sized and relevant? I don’t know how to explain..

I keep picturing them in that scene. dead.

I feel sick, and angry at the same time.

If they had died then I wouldn’t be able to have experienced the times that I had/ am having with them. None of the laughing or petty disagreements or the sex or the lust.

I don’t think I want to be in that space again, there’s no point. I’ve gotten too far now, no point giving into fear.

I don’t want someone else to have to deal with the full impact of what I’m thinking about now. People do care about me.. so I should start caring about myself.

also i found this: -> http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ <- you can either increase your coping mechanisms or decrease your stress. i don’t know what my coping mechanisms are.. but I’ve taken up a new obsession with Harry Potter 🙂

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