i feel as if i’ve abandoned writing for a bit, i haven’t even written in my diary for the past week and a bit. this may be because i’ve been relatively drained partying and ‘experiencing’.
it’s funny how life just happens. but then that is life. it flows how it wants to flow and i’ve realised that i’ve had a much easier time letting that happen. i can’t control how life happens, i can control my actions but i can’t control the actions of those around me.
recently i made the decision to forgo relationships. i feel as if i’m in the process of developing into a new person, and it’s either i find the will to keep developing and push on without feeling restricted and influenced by another person, or i just avoid relationships all together and focus solely on developing and being hedonistic.
it’s pretty ironic, because as soon as i stopped focusing on relationships, thats when all my romantic encounters have started to happen. i even have a date on tues with someone i hit it off with over the weekend.. which was completely unexpected. but that’s how life flows.
over the past month one thing i’ve been dreading was having to come face to face with the last guy i was seeing. of course life decided to be life and put me in a situation where we would be at the same table together sitting down which i had no previous knowledge about.
it turns out when you dread things before they actually happen, you just cause yourself anxiety for no reason, and the actual event isn’t that bad in reality. we didn’t talk and just ignored each other, which is probably for the best but made me feel a bit sad afterwards. it’s not nice to have history with someone and then have everything turn cold and hostile.
i haven’t been to therapy in nearly a month. i don’t know if i will continue to go or not. i feel pretty apathetic about it at the moment. i’ve stopped taking my herbal anxiety pills, because in all honesty i don’t think theyre worth the money. i also won’t be going on anti-depressants, because i enjoy my highs and lows. well not enjoy, but it’s what i know.
i made a random decision to phone home today. in two days time i will be seeing my siblings for the first time in about 4 months. i wanted to cry when i heard them over the phone. i keep dreaming about visiting them so maybe my dreams are telling me what my brain was too scared to process.
if i could wish for anything i’d wish for more courage. courage to be confident. courage to trust myself. courage to step outside the box. courage to let go of wanting to have control over every little thing. courage to be able to talk and sit next to male friends and not feel the fear of being sexually assaulted again. this is actually something that has been bothering me recently and is making me anxious and unable to relax. it probably has to do with the fact that i had trusted my abusers and they abused my trust, so can i now in adulthood trust anyone else?
i don’t really know how to end this post because it was all a it of a jumble of thoughts that hadn’t been let out over the past week or so.
but they’re out now 🙂