I’m very confused at the moment and as a result i am very tired.
i don’t really know what i’m sup;posed to be worrying about at the moment, but i feel as if i should be worrying about something, however i’m too exhausted to actually care.
i keep having strange dreams. but in these recent ones i’ve been facing up to the situation instead of trying to run away
last night i had a dream that i was infected with the hiv virus. maybe as the days go past my dreams are becomming more and more about the sexual abuse.
i can’t really stop that, because i have to sleep.
i wish there was a bin were i could throw all my thoughts into, put a lid on it and never have to look back at them again.
i feel weird today.
i was watching some tv and all of a sudden fell asleep due to pure exhaustion.
i took a nap and while i was in my bed it was as if i was in some weird alternate place, i don’t know how to describe it.
i got out of bed and suddenly felt panicky, as if my entire room was spinning and as if i was going to pass out.
this is a sign that i am putting myself under too much stress and thinking too much.
it’s scary. but i can’t not think, otherwise how will i process and move on and find my answers?
but at the same time i don’t want to take on too much and end up collapsing and doing myself any harm. i think i’ll take it easier. and treat myself more whilst at the same time processing information. i really just need to find a way to calm down, everything is happening at the same time. ha , there’s never an opportune time is there brain
i keep getting migraines and back aches and dizzy spells. this tirednesss just feels like another depressive episode coming on, and if it is i’m not suprised due to recent events.
my entire body and mind state is still in shock. i did one good thing today though, i admitted that i’m not ok to myself instead of pretending. guess it’s time to put myself on ‘sick leave’ because well i am ill. i really wish i did take care of myself before it gets to far down the line. this is another reminder from the first time i had a major anxiety episode a while back.
hopefully this time i won’t reach another suicidal/self-harming edge.