my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘emotions’

28th May 2014

(I didn’t have a title for this blog post, I only have the date on which I made the notes for it)

Of recent I have been scoring in the 40’s and 50’s on my moodscope. These are the highest scores I have recorded on there since last May when I started to record my mood. The beginning of my highest scores ever began on the 28th of May, which is a far cry from this time last year. I have a picture that I drew on the 29th of May 2013, when I believed that my little sister was about to die. I drew the angel of death. I think that picture was one of the darkest that I have drawn. I still have it on my wall, I think it is important to acknowledge the feelings that I had at that time, but to also take into account that all is well now.

I have a habit of not wanting to come home. I think this is linked to the fact that I feel as if home is not a place that I want to come back to. ‘Home’ as in the sense of the childhood home that I had no choice but to go back to. I am trying to make sure I make the journey back home when I go to visit friends, I think it is important for me to feel as if I have a place that I can go back to, which is safe and which is my own space. Safety and personal space is a thing I am working very hard at attempting to create. I think it will help in the journey of attempting to heal from never feeling safe during my childhood. I remember being at home and dreading the sound of either my mum or dad coming in through the door. The locking myself up in my room and pretending to sleep. Even not eating because I did not want to be around anyone. I still do that now sometimes when I feel particularly low. I lock myself up in my room and don’t eat for days. It doesn’t do me any good and I am punishing myself due to the actions of others.

I have actively been doing more personal work. I think I am getting better at connecting with myself as opposed to just writing streams of misery and dwelling in that misery. I miss myself, I had a very close relationship to myself when I was younger, I suppose I had to, nobody else did. I think this relationship is important and I am working on trying to mend this relationship and get it back. I am recognising that the self- help that I am doing has contributed to this and now I want to be able to feel strong in the confidence of myself and know that the work I am doing is having an effect and is making me stronger.

In regard to my improvement in Moodscope scores, it is not that I have been feeling fantastic, I think it was mainly me being honest in my feelings that helped me to improve my mood. I think a big contributor to depression is the fact you become numb to your own feelings and you forget that you have any or pretend that nothing affects you. I think this just works to make you further depressed. Of recent, due to the CBT iIhave completed, I think I feel a bit safer in attempting to be honest in how I feel with people that I trust. I think this is important, it allows me to get things off my chest and it allows me to remember that I have people that I can talk to if I need support.

I ave become resigned to the fact that I probably have to get used to doing a lot of writing from now on, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. I think for me writing is a release, it is the first way that I am able to get thoughts out of my head and in time this allows me to speak about these thoughts. Writing makes the thoughts real which can be scary, but also helps me to evaluate and process my thoughts. Writing in my personal diary aswel has also helped me greatly and I often feel better for writing things down in a place that I know is for my eyes only. Although I still have the fear someone will read it against my will. I think this also stems from childhood and having no privacy in my house. Now I am an adult and I am entitled to privacy and nobody can take that away from me.

 

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Weight of an everyday struggle

I think because i made a post yesterday it is becoming easier to write. As I type I cannot believe that today is only Monday, it feels like the end of the week already. Of recent everything has felt like a long and heavy struggle everyday. It feels as if I have so many lessons in my head, constantly reminding myself to think in the ‘new way’. Healing is a weight. To me this is what it feels like. I have now stuck post it notes all over my walls in the attempt to change behaviour patterns. It is working, relectantly it is working. Although I feel as if I am dragging my feet in the ground it is working. I find it sad that it takes a lot of energy for me to drag my eyes to the post it note that may be stuck on my mirror and to read the message on it that I have written to myself. That I am scared yet excited and intrigued at maybe just this once I might actually start to feel better. That this might pay off. I am tired and fustrated that I have to do these same procedures everyday, but I know it is for my own good. I cannot escape my life, if I want to live it to the full, I have to work hard at making it better for myself. I have to keep telling myself to fight, or push myself to go and cook or to phone someone or send a message or to start a conversation. It is fucking hard work, yet at the same time I know that the more I communicate and try to talk, the more help I will find and the more I will be able to have support and open up. Perhaps the less isolated I will feel. I have noticed since I took my long haitus from creating blog posts, now that I have returned, when I come back to look at the likes and the comments, I get a sense of release. I feel happy that people appreciate what I am sharing, no matter how incoherently I may have written it. It is nice to have a bond with others as I read their posts and realise that they can share my experiences, and because of their experiences they know what I am talking about.

  On one hand it is good to discuss the thoughts and ideas that are in my head, but it feels that when i let the flood barriers down, another load of emotion is ready again to be released. It feels draining. But what can I do? I have to start now, 21 years of pent up emotion is better to let out now, than wait 50 years and have to release that, It is difficult and tiring, better I know I have to keep trying. I am now beginning to come to terms with the fact that this is a daily struggle, exercise whatever I have to call it. There is no deadline to being ‘normal’, there is no such thing as being ‘normal’, i will not become another person, I can only have my life. It is still a very strange concept. I think it is linked to disassociation. Not wanting to be here, but wanting to be somewhere else, somewhere different. Not being grounded in my feet, even as I type this I can feel myself disassociating. I don’t really know what to do about that at the moment, but I guess I will just have to keep going and see what solutions I can come up with…

little miss angry

recently i was christened ‘angry’ by some friends. it’s quite a funny nickname, but then i guess behind it there is some actual truth.

the past few weeks i’ve been very angry. i’ve been starting fights, mouthing off and basically just being a bitch.

i think for me it is more acceptable to be hard and angry than upset. if you’re angry you’re not weak.

i think, i get angry until i tire myself out so much, that being upset just spills out. then to drag myself out of being depressed and to motivate myself again i get angry again.

i quite like being angry, it gives you adrenaline. it gives me a high.

but then it’s tiring. there is only so long a person can be angry for. there is only so long you can keep your guard up for. there’s only so long a person can avoid being vulnerable for

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