my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘emotional abuse’

Dreaming of Mummy

this is probably me reverting back into my most childlike state maybe i should give her a name.. little jenny. ūüôā

i guess the weird thing about people who go through childhood abuse is that they never really get to be children, so they have an inner child kept in them for the rest of their lives which they may or maybe not feel the need to look after.

i never really felt looked after as a child. from sexual abuse to emotional abuse to seeing the violence going on in my own family. perhaps this is where all my strong opinions and morals have come from. perhaps this is why i might be described as slightly ‘disturbed’.

over the past few days i’ve been thinking a lot about my own mother. this may be due to hearing stories from other people about their own experiences with their relationships with their own mothers or maybe i just want to sort out my own confusing head. my mind is a bit of a bombsite tbh i think i need to take time out and sort it out properly.

there have been 2 incidents so far. the first i was asleep with my partner and had a little bout of sleep paralysis where i thought i was talking to him out loud about writing a letter to my mother. but i wasn’t. the second was having a dream yesterday of my mother telling me she wanted to commit suicide because she couldn’t cope with everything and me being really angry with her.

i think as time has gone by i have began to understand my mothers actions , however it doesn’t mean i will forgive someone who refuses to even acknowledge or apologize for them

Victim of my own making

I understand self-sabotage.

I am self-sabotage.

I set myself up for failure because i don’t believe I can succeed , and i don’t believe i deserve to succeed.

i know i need to confront myself, but i’d rather put myself in situations that make me feel like the victim, because that’s all i know. that’s all i’ve ever know. sympathy from others and cries of ‘oh, you poor thing’. maybe i get off on it. maybe i like it. maybe that’s all i know.

 

but know that i know it, i can change it. maybe i’m too scared to pluck up the courage to change. maybe change is too much for me to embark on right now.

i’m overwhelmed and in a new position i’ve never been in before. i know i have it in me to take a new path, but i’m laying back observing. maybe i’d like to repeat the past one mote time, just to prove that i’ve got it right this time. even though repeating the past won’t make any difference to what has already happened, it won’t make me happy. just continue to make me a victim.

right now i’m willing myself to fail exams. so that i can be the victim again. i’ll excuse myself using child abuse, abandonment by family, breakup of bad relationship i willing put myself through, stress. i know i could probably salvage good grades but i won’t. well maybe i will. not now. today i’ll stew and continue to be the victim. maybe allow myself to sink back into depression. feel sorry for myself.

i look at myself from the outside and realise something is seriously fucked up.

a few weeks ago i was fighting depression and insomnia and willing myself to carry on and succeed.

now i’m willing myself to fail?

i need a slap.

i need to reconnect with my head space.

i want someone else to take over.

i feel as if an end is comong and i don’t want to face it because i’m too scared of change and new beginnings.

because i’ve gone through too much change and i’m tired of it.

I’m very confused right now.

Giving up being ‘The Good Samaritan’

Today i hear several disturbing pieces of information, which is probably to due with the fact that alcohol was fuelling the conversation.

I heard from one friend about how she’d sufferred incest as a child and sexual abuse from past lovers and could watch her self-destruct right in front of me.

From another friend i heard of how her gf was threatening to commit suicide if she left her and had hung her self a various number of times in front of her.

From another friend i heard of how her bf/lover/romantic partner was in deep depression and saw the only way out as killing himself and the toll it was taking on my friend.

all in the same day.

then i did something i don’t usually do. i sat there offered my help and suggestions then backed off. instead of attempting to be superwoman and defend everyone apart from myself i didn’t.

i think this is positive.

i now realise i have my own shit to take care of, and distracting myself with the woes of others will not make my problems go away.

Mummy issues

Today i went to my second counselling appointment. it makes me feel sad knowing how my own mother who was supposed to care and protect me , was so overcome by her own jealously and insecurity that she tried to stop me from attending counselling by attempting to guilt trip me accusing me of taking my first counsellor on as a sort of ‘surrogate mother’ whatever bullshit that is and trying to manipulate me and force me to share details of my counselling with her. if someone has never had any form of relationship with you and has never ,made an effort to, what right does it give them to demand intimate details off you and try and scare you into sharing this information with them?

none. i know this now and i knew it then. which is why i did not share and this made her angry because she did not have power to hold over me, she couldn’t force me to speak. it’s sickening. someone is in a¬†vulnerable¬†position and you want to use¬†that¬†to your advantage to hold on to your own power dynamic in a toxic relationship.

i spoke a lot about my family relationships with my counsellor today. i don’t know if i have the energy to get it all out but i will type about the most pressing issues.

i spoke of how my mother had disappointed me bitterly over and over again. when i was being bullied as a young child my mum dismissed me and told me to shut up. when my dad was physically abusing me my mother kept silent. when i attempted to over dose in front of my mum , she told me to get out of her sight. when my mother found out about my sexual abuse she screamed ‘you are not the only child i have’.¬†

when my uncle asked on behalf of my mum how she could support me , i have her a chance. she dismissed my needs when i told her what they were. when i my mum asked for proof i was hiv negative i shouted at her asking if she even believed i had been raped. she didn’t reply.

i’m tired of feeling as if i have to make up and excuse my mother’s shortcomings. she is not child. i do not want to be stuck in this power -dynamic forever. even when she is not physically here with me or anywhere near me i still feel panicky and scared and anxious.

it has stuck with me that i am not good enough. that i cannot trust anyone. that people will always make promises and then let me down when i need to be held up. that there will always be mountains of emotional hoops for me to jump through and spectators will laugh at my attempts to reach the impossible. that i am no good. that nobody wants me, not even my mother wanted me. that she wanted me to be homeless at a time when i was most vulnerale. that she accused me of prostituting , when she was aware of my sexual abuse. that she valued the receipt of money over the wellbeing of her own daughter. that she is spineless and an utter shambles and in turn made me believe that i was spineless and an utter shambles.

i do not know if i will ever forgive my mother. all i know is that i want to run away from her and avoid her and never have to see her again.

she gives me nightmares. in a literal sense. i have nightmare daily about my mother. my body rejects sleep because it is in fear of her. even in my sleep i cannot run away from this hold because she still has it.

 

Self pity

I spent 2 hours last night crying.

I cried because i realised that my mother was more concerned with ensuring she was able to use me to take money out of my bank account to give to her, than she was about my own mental wellbeing.

Because she was more concerned with keeping up appearances with her friends than making sure her own daughter was sane

That her own pride came before anybody else’s sanity or health

I cried because i thought if my own mother doesn’t love or care for me then why would any body else?

I cried because my mother and my uncle think I am a joke. That I’m a child who is incapable of thinking for herself.

Because they find it funny to manipulate me and belittle me and laugh at my attempts to be independent.

Because I’m stupid.

I woke up feeling sick. i don;’t know why. i feel ashamed. i want to curl up in a ball in the dark and weep. i feel the disgust seeping all over myself. maybe i do really hate myself but i don’t know why. maybe it’s because my own flesh and blood can’t stand the sight of me. why? i don’t know. i don’t know what i did to make thewm despise me so much

Maybe one day someone will let me know. until then i guess i have to try and forget it.

It’s the kind of pain that slowly drives you mad. there’s always the critical voice in my head sthat doesn’t disappear.

I can’t take away something that has become such an ingrained part of me.

Morphing into your demons

Today i went back to counselling for the first time in a month. It was suprisingly ok. I got rid of all the fake pretending and smiling and stopped acting as if everything was good and just told the truth. Down to the last suicidal infected drop. I wasn’t hurried off in a straitjacket as I thought would have been the case.

I brought up the issue of my fear of ‘becomming my abuse’. the fear that because all i’ve know in relationships, both family relationships and romantic relationships is physical and emotional abuse.

The fear that i would subject future partners to that same cycle of abuse.

The fear that i would subject my friends to that abuse.

The fear that i may inflict that abuse on any children I may or may not have.

The fear that what if i nevewr got my shit together and became a child sexual abuser myself?

This is an area of my brain that I don’t like to go into, but if I don’t go into it and think about it, how can i combat any issiues that may make me become what i don’t want to become?

Tbh i have already abused one of my sisters emotionally and physically. I used to think it was just normal sibling rivalry or the arguments that sisters have, but today i came to the realisation it was probably something more. that i acted out on my sister because my mother and father both took out their aggression on me, and i couldn’t fight them completely but she was defensless against me. I’m not excusing what I’ve done but it now makes sense. I just hope that she doesn’t grow up too affected by it and doesn’t carry on the cycle to my younger brothers and sisters. One day I will explain. I guess that’s one more reason to keep going because i have apologies to make in the future.

I wonder when I will see my siblings again ūüė¶

errm so yeah. things are getting slightly better. It fluctuates between extreme highs and extreme lows. and sometimes just plain in the middle. It’s tiring but there’s not much i can do about it right now except hold on.

 

A realisation

It just occurred to me how much time and effort my ex put into trying to make me ‘forgive him’. How he stalked my life and invaded the places were I felt safe and tainted them and made them dirty with his presence.

Not because he was truly sorry and felt bad.

But because ‘HE WANTED TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF’. He actually said this to me

Not a shred of remorse.

He then got angry and lost his temper when I told him no I will not make you feel better because I do not owe you anything. Apparently when I hold on to some dignity and self-worth I am ‘Showing my true colours’

If you use manipulation as a weapon, you are just truly pathetic.

An ode to my ex.

You were not the first, but yet you were the worst.

There’s something about undercover aggressiveness that hurts the most.

You were obviously deluded, yet I believed every word you said,

and even 10 months on your words still affect my actions and my thoughts.

there’s something about when you open your heart to someone and they twist it up and use it for their own sad gain.

You never want to trust again

You sabotage healthy relationships

You confuse your current with your past

You go crazy

I don’t know what I saw in you, oh wait yes I do. You were ‘Prince Charming’, until someone disagreed with you.

You were compassionate, until things failed to go your way

You were mature, until you got called out.

You were a cunt.

You were insecure, and so in turn you broke me down to fit beneath you

You used sex instead of affection. You measured your self worth by your genitalia. You were a coward

But you were brave enough to blame me for your shortcomings and prevent me from moving on in me my life.

You’re brave enough to drag on the cycle of abuse again and again

You were brave enough to cheat and blame it on me

You were smart enough to make me accept this treatment and to forgive you and even attempt to get you help

The thought of you disgusts me

The thought of you makes me want you

The thought of myself right now is scary, I don’t know who I am

You make me want to vomit

But I don’t hate you, I pity you.. I pity myself

I told you our relationship was a joke. And now I feel like a joke.

I’m ashamed of us.

Link

On being ill

I currently have the flu. It’s not the most life threatening illness, but it’s forced me to slow down and think for a bit.

I’ve come to the conclusion that it is my own fault for being so sick.

I don’t spend time with myself, I don’t take care of myself mentally or physically, I spend more time hating myself and imagining causing myself pain.. wanting to cause myself pain, than taking a break. Giving myself a break.

I spent time fantazing about cutting today. I don’t want or feel the need to cut. It’s just the thought of the sharpness and pain.

But I hate scars.

I’ve spent a lot of time on youtube. Watching old punk videos and reading up on feminism. I also found a really great blog today which I will put below. This girl is pretty awesome and has made me remember a lot of ideas about myself that¬†I have conveniently put away due to deep depression.

awesomebloggirlperson..

I don’t know what self-love is. I think I used to , a long time ago, before a lot of destructive people came into my life

I was talking to a friend.. well 2 friends yestrerday about destructive relationships, gaslighting, emotional abuse and love.

I know what it feels like when someone you care.. possibly love/did love uses words against you in a way that makes you feel as if you are crazy. Where each incident feels like a physical blow to the head. When you become so scared of speaking up because you are afraid of making them angry. In someways I wish I had been hit, physical scars are so much more easier to overcome than mental scars.

I know I have to get over my emotional abuse if I am ever going to be able to overcome sexual abuse.

i didn’t know it was possible to be afraid of letting someone else in.

I’d rather just run and be a coward.

unlawful imprisonment

you’d think that if someone was finally able to recognise emotional abuse and manipulation in their family for what it was, they’d be able to let go and ignore the self-criticism that inevitably becomes embedded in them.

my family life hasn’t always been that bad

until i was about 10/11 i think it was my mum and i used to live on our own. we weren’t rich but we had a nice life kind of. my mum always had to work nights and did odd jobs trying to save up to fly my dad into this country, help him get a visa etc etc.

i remember when i was little i had this little fairy tale in my head. i remember a dream i had. my dad was here and i was on his shoulders and we were walking around and he was the best daddy ever and everything would be great when he came to london and lived with us like a proper family.

i feel sorry for my mum. it must have ripped her apart after all those years of waiting for my dad to arrive, he ran us into debt, turned into a psycho, and had an affair with another woman and a son. maybe there was a time when he did love my mum and me. i’ve seen photos of us together when i was a little girl, he seemed pretty chuffed to be a father. well know i know that’s not the case. he was only ever interested in having a son, an ‘heir’ i guess to carry on his family’s pathetic ’empire’. that’s why he had an affair and fucked off when he had a son with another woman and left us to deal with his shit.

tbh i have no idea what made my dad suddenly switch personalities. maybe it was the prospect of money and power. maybe he was just frustrated. well he was obviously frustrated with his own life and i was his personal venting/punch bag. he didn’t actually punch me but i got alot of beatings for no reason and personal put downs. i think he enjoyed telling me i was ugly on a frequent basis. i know i’m not ugly, i’m a pretty attractive lady, but i think those insults played a part in me later developing self image distortions and eating problems in my early teenage years.

one thought that disturbs me is that i was somehow expecting my dad to rape me. it was always in the back of my head. i know he was a disturbed person with anger problems, but i don’t think he would have done that. well i hope not.

the last time i saw my dad i ran into my room and locked myself in and cried. i think that was the last time my mum ever hugged me actually.

my mum and dad always had arguments. i remember one time my dad forcing my mum to get out of the car and walk home and we drove off. my worst memory of an argument between them was when my mum decided to get drunk and i could hear shouting and screaming in the living room. i walked in to find my little brother who was only about 5/6 months at the time screaming and crying because he was so scared at what was going on around him. i tried to take him out of the room but nobody would let me in. my mum later came to apologise to me telling me that ‘my dad was making her drink’. nobody can ‘make you drink’ mother.

after a while she eventually threw my dad out. that didnt stop people on the street following us wherever we went demanding that we give them money that my dad owed them and it didnt stop my dad from coming up to me in the street and acting as if he was the world’s most loving father and pretending nothing had happened.

because of my relationship with my father and my mother i’ve always pretty much thought i was worthless. none of my friends had families like this. and i didnt understand why. i didnt understand why i had to phone the police when my dad hit my mum and i didnt understand why i had to be put through all of this. most of all i don’t understand why my mum seems to have it in her head that i am somehow my father reincarnated. to me that is just betrayal. i was the one who witnessed all these things and tried to help and now i am the one receiving the full punishment for crimes which i did not commit.

i wish she would go and get help so my siblings don’t have to carry on this cycle.

 

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