this is probably me reverting back into my most childlike state maybe i should give her a name.. little jenny. 🙂
i guess the weird thing about people who go through childhood abuse is that they never really get to be children, so they have an inner child kept in them for the rest of their lives which they may or maybe not feel the need to look after.
i never really felt looked after as a child. from sexual abuse to emotional abuse to seeing the violence going on in my own family. perhaps this is where all my strong opinions and morals have come from. perhaps this is why i might be described as slightly ‘disturbed’.
over the past few days i’ve been thinking a lot about my own mother. this may be due to hearing stories from other people about their own experiences with their relationships with their own mothers or maybe i just want to sort out my own confusing head. my mind is a bit of a bombsite tbh i think i need to take time out and sort it out properly.
there have been 2 incidents so far. the first i was asleep with my partner and had a little bout of sleep paralysis where i thought i was talking to him out loud about writing a letter to my mother. but i wasn’t. the second was having a dream yesterday of my mother telling me she wanted to commit suicide because she couldn’t cope with everything and me being really angry with her.
i think as time has gone by i have began to understand my mothers actions , however it doesn’t mean i will forgive someone who refuses to even acknowledge or apologize for them