I did something slightly out of charecter today. And mostly i think i did it for myself.
I spent a good deal of money on underwear. thongs, bras.. ‘saucy’ items as my friend called them.
Partly it was because i wanted to feel good and partly it was because i was in desperate need due to possible opportunities that may arise in the future..
anyways. when i got home i stood in front of the mirror, observing how i looked with the items on. then i realised something pretty disturbing, although i had gotten the bras a size smaller they were still falling off me, as if literally there was nothing there.
i know i’ve been under insane stress at the moment but i hadn’t quite realised how much weight i have lost. to me i think i look fine, i just hear comments all the time from others saying i need to put on weight. on one hand i want to tell them to fuck off, on the other hand they may have a point. clothes that used to hug my body now have gaps. i have the worse back pain and i feel dizzy and have migraines all the time. i also feel hungry all the time.
for a while i’ve had this excuse in my head that i shouldn’t eat so much because other people don’t have food to eat. i barel eat anything so i don’t know where this warped logic came from.
maybe i do have an eating disorder. i don’t think i have a normal relationship with food. i dont really like eating in front of other people. i feel embarrassed getting food if i know there are guests in the kitchen and i have have strict set times for when i do eat.
maybe it’s the control. the control of not becoming ‘fat’.. or ‘normal’. because i can control my own body. sexual abuse seems to bless people with so many unwanted gifts.
the gift of depression. the gift of self harm. the gift of abusive relationships. the gift of eating disorders.
i still hope i’m thinking properly tomorrow. i need to eat properly before i waste away entirely.
also, another thing. when i look at myself in the mirror, i don’t see the body of an adult.. i see the body of a child.