today i had an unexpected argument with somebody. well now that i think about it more thoroughly it wasn’t that unexpected. to cut a long story short, i basically stated that if a person is continually in abusive relationships, then the person needs to look at themselves and assess what it is within them that is causing this continuous pattern and go and seek psychological help, in the form of counselling or therapy.
i said this speaking from both a personal point of view and in light of my education in psychology. however , apparently i was being ‘ableist’, because obviously telling someone to get psychological help is somehow insulting…
there is a thing called denial. which is often accompanied by a little thing called ‘not wanting to change’ or ‘being set in our ways’. when someone says something which forces us to look at ourselves and makes us uncomfortable, people often lash out.
perhaps if people were less defensive and actually listened more, the world could actually get some where..
Anyone who has ever had to have counselling for any reason knows how hard the initial process of getting started and seeing the course through is. For a lot of people it may take many years to come to this decision. Counselling brings up painful memories and requires you to deal with parts of yourself which may or may not be willing to accept or come to terms with. Today I found out that in legal cases, a prosecutor has the right to use a client’s counselling notes as evidence against them in court.
As usual my first reaction was anger. I personally feel that although laws are necessary, in some cases and in the event of certain situations, more often than not, the law generally works against us and instead of feeling safe and protected, you do not. This was one of those times. I still do not understand how it can be moral and even ethical to use someone’s personal and often traumatic life experiences against them in court. It is yet another way to get fucked over by a system that is supposedly there to protect us, yet in all honesty does nothing but make people feel victimised. I also find it disturbing and extremely worrying.
Going through an experience such as sexual abuse or domestic abuse, is unsettling and traumatic to deal with in itself. Being able to build up trust with a counsellor is difficult. To be able to be about and honest about your feelings is also difficult. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage to be able to do these things. For some people it may take a life time. It is stressful and it hurts. To find out that these personal details can be pulled out at a whim upon request and used as a weapon against you is frightening.
I don’t want to put people off going to counselling as it is helpful, but I’m sure I’m not the only person who has been or will be disturbed by this information
I’ve started counselling again. this time it will be for a year.
it was pretty strange being sat there again. as if i’d graduated from the last counselling session and now was on to the next grade of counselling. as if i had moved up a level or something.
instead of my usual bravado of joking about and being loud and ‘not giving a fuck’ i was actually pretty quiet and reflective and almost cried once.
it’s always weird when i get asked ‘what i want out of counselling’, because the answer is i don’t actually know. i don’t really have a set goal or motive. i just want to not be crazy. but then i guess thats a goal but it sounds a bit stupid when i say it out loud..
i’d like to have self-esteem
i’d like to have confidence
i’d like not to be anxious all the time
i’d like not to be ruled by depression
i’d like to be able to live life at a normal pace
i’d like not to be hyperaware
i’d like to like myself
i’d like to be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with someone
i’d like to be able to have male friends
i’d like to feel worthy
i’d like not to be alone
i’d like not to feel like a child
maybe this is what i should say next time.
the whole process is very tiring. maybe this is where i put all the pieces together of everything i have remembered in the past year and come to terms with it? i just want a break. a year ago around this time is when it all started. this is probably why i’m in such a state at the moment. =/
Today i went back to counselling for the first time in a month. It was suprisingly ok. I got rid of all the fake pretending and smiling and stopped acting as if everything was good and just told the truth. Down to the last suicidal infected drop. I wasn’t hurried off in a straitjacket as I thought would have been the case.
I brought up the issue of my fear of ‘becomming my abuse’. the fear that because all i’ve know in relationships, both family relationships and romantic relationships is physical and emotional abuse.
The fear that i would subject future partners to that same cycle of abuse.
The fear that i would subject my friends to that abuse.
The fear that i may inflict that abuse on any children I may or may not have.
The fear that what if i nevewr got my shit together and became a child sexual abuser myself?
This is an area of my brain that I don’t like to go into, but if I don’t go into it and think about it, how can i combat any issiues that may make me become what i don’t want to become?
Tbh i have already abused one of my sisters emotionally and physically. I used to think it was just normal sibling rivalry or the arguments that sisters have, but today i came to the realisation it was probably something more. that i acted out on my sister because my mother and father both took out their aggression on me, and i couldn’t fight them completely but she was defensless against me. I’m not excusing what I’ve done but it now makes sense. I just hope that she doesn’t grow up too affected by it and doesn’t carry on the cycle to my younger brothers and sisters. One day I will explain. I guess that’s one more reason to keep going because i have apologies to make in the future.
I wonder when I will see my siblings again 😦
errm so yeah. things are getting slightly better. It fluctuates between extreme highs and extreme lows. and sometimes just plain in the middle. It’s tiring but there’s not much i can do about it right now except hold on.