my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘control’

An explanation

The past two days beginning from Friday were a very bad time for me, I think mainly because on Friday I took the first exam that I have taken in perhaps 4 years. I was reduced to a somewhat catatonic state that morning, further not helped by going on facebook first thing in the morning and taking a picture i had seen that my boyfriend had liked in the wrong way. I think on Friday I felt particularly overwhelmed due to the fact I felt as if I didn’t have very much support, but  on the contrary I had a lot of support. I had a lot of support on facebook from ‘friends’. The past few days I have realised that instead of living in the real world I seem to be living in a facebook world, where my self worth becomes judged by how many likes I get, feeling as if I am in competition with people I do not even know and failing to actually keep real conversations and friendships going, but instead living my whole life on a screen. I am pretty addicted to facebook, I think mainly because when I lived at home with my mum I had no freedom and was not allowed to leave the house of my own free will, only maybe to run an errand to go to Iceland or something to buy a pint of milk. This imprisonment became so bad, that in the end my mum devised a diary of which I had to plan beforehand where I was going and on which day, otherwise she would throw me out of the house. I literally had to write ‘school’ on the days monday to friday, and obviously the weekend I was not allowed to go anywhere. I was 18, had just fully remembered the sexual child abuse I had been through and now on top of trying to deal with that, I was now having to deal with this new emotional abuse. I do not understand how a person can be so cruel as to deny a person freedom. I think this is one of the thing my mother has done that I will resent her for the most for a long period of time. Physically trapping me inside a toxic environment at the age of adulthood.

 Mainly due to the fact I had nowhere to go, I began to spend days on end on social networking sites such as twitter and facebook, just in order to connect to the outside world. At this time they served me a great purpose as I was able to make friends which in turn eventually helped me to leave home and begin my own life. The problem is now though, that when I become very depressed I revert back to my childlike and catatonic state, and spend whole days on facebook, doing nothing except perpetuating a cycle of self hatred. Even now as I think about this, my right wrist becomes itchy. I think this is a form of self harm, I am denying myself thinking any sort of positivity and instead I have become focused on hating myself and constantly comparing myself to a fake world on a screen. Sometimes I do use facebook positively, to showcase pictures that I have drawn or photographs from events I have taken. I would still like to use facebook for these things, I just do not want to become dependent on facebook. My friend took a first step for me yesterday and deleted the app off my phone, however, I can still go on my phone internet and search fb and it will come up, as I did this morning. I am at a bit of a loss as to what I should do, I think of recent I have been lacking willpower and I am engrained in this cycle of wanting to feel shit. I think the more I write this blog, the more I have time to focus on myself. I have been making more of an effort to text and call people, so I am able to communicate with people without having to constantly be bombarded with a load of information and I have Whatsapp which I want to try and make my main communicative platform, over from facebook chat. 

Most importantly I need to get out of the house and develop interests away from the computer and the internet, so now I am attempting to force myself to go out everyday, in order to restore some sanity and interact with the real world


i was planning to write a post on the element of control.

i watched a video were someone proposed everyone needs to have control over at least aspect of their lives.

actually i may as well just write the post now.

recently i’ve noticed that i’ve been ‘playing games’. these ‘games’ are generally centred around my education, i.e how much can i leave it before i’m still able to wake up in time for an exam or a support lesson? how much can i proscrastinate and not study and still make the mark that i need? 

i now these games are unnecessary and detrimental but i still have the control, because i’ve created the control. It’s not productive and i need to get out of this mindset before it becomes any worse.

recently i’ve had extra stress put on me, on top of exams, dealing with a breakup, disturbing issues being raised in conselling , i now need to find some way to get a large amount of money in orser to pay a deposit and i have 1 week to do so.

i think the saying it’s one damn thing after another is appropriate here.

i’m exhausted. i’ve spent the past two days oversleeping, waking up and then sleeping the rest of the day away because i don’t have the energy to get up.

i have niggling thoughts of self-harm coming up again.

i think my sleep periods are a sign of another depressive episode coming on.

it’s funny, because i’m trying to hold on to something but i don’t know what it is. i can’t control the future or what could happen. i don’t want to venture into the unknown but i have no choice. 

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