i’m currently in the middle of making new transactions in life.
i’ve completed my first set of counselling
i’ve started university
also for the first time in my life i’ve terminated a relationship on my own terms
these are all pretty big changes and i’m not really sure how i’m coping with it. last night resulted in me being triggered by what i saw as rejection, and i went off into a bad depressive state, crying and feeling shaky.
i’ve been feeling lately as if i’m missing out on something. as if everyone else has experienced some form of romantic relationship for a decent period of time and i myself have not been able to do this.
it’s starting to take it’s toll and it’s affecting my self esteem and the way i perceive myself.
is there something wrong with me?
should i just settle for bad relationships?
are these the only type of relationships i will experience in my lifetime?
has any hope of a relationship been tarnished by child abuse, rape, emotional and physical abuse?
will it ever get better?
i don’t know the answer to any of these questions tbh. but i think in the following weeks i will be able to reflect and recognise some of the acheivements i have made. i think i am in a better position as to what i was when i first started righting this blog.
i’ve recognised that i do have self worth and i don’t need to settle for arseholes.
i’ve recognised that i am the sole person responsible for ensuring my happiness and wellbeing.
i’ve learnt to stand up for myself and realise that i do not have to harm myself emotionally or mentally in order to find favour with other people.
i’ve realised that i need to work on sex and consent, and shouldn’t just give in to situations which will just make me feel worse afterwards. i want to be able to face myself afterwards.
i’ve learnt that i need to stop lying to myself about the men i become involved with and see people for who they really are, not just what i want them to be or their ‘potential’
i’ve learnt that the child abuse wasn’t my fault.
now i need to prepare myself for the second part of my journey. i also need to come to terms with the fact that this is a journey i will be on for the rest of my life. hopefully it does get better, but there is no quick fix solution.
i don’t want to be ill forever