the voices in my head are not my own

when im alone in my head, i dont have my own inner voice. the voice that speaks is that of my mother. or my father. even now as i right i can hear my mother and her sneering tones ‘why are you writing this, nobody cares.. ur so miserable’. i had enough hearing those voices when they were coming out of the mouths of these people.. now it seems as if my mind is forcing me to hear them when they are not wanted, 24/7.. over and over again. to destroy my confidence, to depress me.. to make me feel worthless.. to make me believe the things they are saying. to make me cry. to take me back to being a child again.

 

then i force myself out of it by remembering i’m not a child.

 

but then the voices come back again. in form of exes, in the form of me predicting my future and in the form of confusion. at night the voices become real in my dreams alongside event locked deep and darkly away in the corners of my mind. creeping up from where i want to lock them away. but it is time for them to come out. i am no longer a child and i guess my mind feels i am ready.

 

it is pretty shit though.

questions

i’m currently in the middle of making new transactions in life.

i’ve completed my first set of counselling

i’ve started university

also for the first time in my life i’ve terminated a relationship on my own terms

 

these are all pretty big changes and i’m not really sure how i’m coping with it. last night resulted in me being triggered by what i saw as rejection, and i went off into a bad depressive state, crying and feeling shaky.

i’ve been feeling lately as if i’m missing out on something. as if everyone else has experienced some form of romantic relationship for a decent period of time and i myself have not been able to do this.

it’s starting to take it’s toll and it’s affecting my self esteem and the way i perceive myself.

is there something wrong with me?

should i just settle for bad relationships?

are these the only type of relationships i will experience in my lifetime?

has any hope of a relationship been tarnished by child abuse, rape, emotional and physical abuse?

will it ever get better?

i don’t know the answer to any of these questions tbh. but i think in the following weeks i will be able to reflect and recognise some of the acheivements i have made. i think i am in a better position as to what i was when i first started righting this blog. 

i’ve recognised that i do have self worth and i don’t need to settle for arseholes.

i’ve recognised that i am the sole person responsible for ensuring my happiness and wellbeing.

i’ve learnt to stand up for myself and realise that i do not have to harm myself emotionally or mentally in order to find favour with other people.

i’ve realised that i need to work on sex and consent, and shouldn’t just give in to situations which will just make me feel worse afterwards. i want to be able to face myself afterwards.

i’ve learnt that i need to stop lying to myself about the men i become involved with and see people for who they really are, not just what i want them to be or their ‘potential’

i’ve learnt that the child abuse wasn’t my fault.

now i need to prepare myself for the second part of my journey. i also need to come to terms with the fact that this is a journey i will be on for the rest of my life. hopefully it does get better, but there is no quick fix solution.

i don’t want to be ill forever

Being a bitch

Aside

Last weekend i made a man run down the road from me, because he was so terrified of confrontation.

it’s funny, as soon as you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect, these horrible people suddenly drop from you like flies.

I’ve never seen someone run down the road at such speed.

I am also pretty surprised that i had it in my self to confront someone directly about the way they had treated me and to stand my ground and keep my boundaries.

although it was strange. i felt a little guilty after doing so, maybe that’s because i’m not used to actually valuing myself and having other people value me? i don’t know.

i find it very hard to give men a chance know. i think everything they say to me is bullshit. maybe it’s a defence mechanism. maybe i’m just pissed off.

the day before that i spent the whole night getting free drinks off men , who thought that by buying me alcohol they could get me home. i had no remorse in giving them a run for their money. i think they’re all pathetic cunts. maybe i’m becoming a man hater. i think i have reason to be one. but then at the same time in the back of my head i know that not all men are the same. maybe i just need to go through this period of sifting through the dirt in order to learn and for my life to become better?

maybe i need to sit, absorb, think, reflect, enjoy the moment, be terrified, be brave. i don’t know really. maybe i just need to accept that for this moment in time i don’t have the answers to everything and that it’s okay not to.

Who owns my body?

The answer to this question should be simple. Me

But sometimes i find that hard to believe.

When someone invades your body through rape, you take a very confused approach to this question.

I remember when i was younger and i’d be on public transport and men would grope me, or guys would ask for me number in the street, then ask for a hug and grope me.

I took it as a compliment, as being normal, as this was the way things were meant to be and that i shouldn’t complain. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that i have the right to dictate who should and shouldn’t touch me, and that i have the right to object to those who invade my personal space.

I feel as if a lot of men i have come across in life feel as if they have some right to my body. This happened again recently at a party where a refused to hug some random stranger and he got aggressive and tried to start a fight with me. It’s a bit of a revelation to know that i can actually exercise this right. And that – NO- these guys don’t have the right to touch me without my consent.

That i have the right to wear whatever the hell i want and not feel as if i have to accept ‘compliments’ by force, and my clothes do not give men the right to expect me to smile when they make sleazy comments. that i don’t have to respond to random strangers in the street out of a sense of ‘duty’ and out of fear.

It will take a while to absorb this and actually be confident about it. and to be honest it’s pitiful really, that to me and many other girls this mindset is a revelation.

awake

I think this warrants a pat on the back. i’m actully going to aim to leave my bed, eat properly and get on with the work I’ve missed. I still feel miserable, but at least this way i can be miserable and get A’s. Rape has taken a lot of things away from me: trust, intimacy, sexual enjoyment, self confidence, mental stabily, but it doesn’t have the right to take away my education and achievements.

It’s like a black hole slowly sucking away everything that I let go of. I need to let go of it.