i have recently started reading a book on self nurture. the book is helping me, although the downside to it is that everytime i read a bit i end up crying because it hits a nerve. i’ve been doing a lot of crying these days, i don’t necessarily think it is a negative thing.. i guess grief is a necessary coping mechanism..better out than in.
yesterday night i realised i cannot deal with the trauma of child abuse without first dealing with the trauma of emotional and physical abuse left by my family. it is a scary thought knowing i will have to deal with this and i can feel my natural reaction of wanting to cause drama to deflect away from resolving the real issues that i need to deal with.
in all honesty i am tired and feel as if i have drawn the short straw. all my life i have taken on the burden of feeling guilty or bad in order to stop those who have caused my pain feeling bad, whilst they go scot free. it is unfair.. why should i have to be dealing with this when they don’t. i am the one dealing with disturbing emotions, self hatred, low self-esteem , a confused mind state with no support or help, yet when i eventually come out of this the same people who caused this state will be looking to benefit from any improvements.
i will not allow that to happen. ultimately i will have to face my demons alone, if people want to offer a hand then fine.. but i don’t really want anyone else involved. i don’t know how to trust people .. my parents laid the template for that. i’m very confused and emotional at the moment. hopefully this will pass.
The answer to this question should be simple. Me
But sometimes i find that hard to believe.
When someone invades your body through rape, you take a very confused approach to this question.
I remember when i was younger and i’d be on public transport and men would grope me, or guys would ask for me number in the street, then ask for a hug and grope me.
I took it as a compliment, as being normal, as this was the way things were meant to be and that i shouldn’t complain. I didn’t have anyone to tell me that i have the right to dictate who should and shouldn’t touch me, and that i have the right to object to those who invade my personal space.
I feel as if a lot of men i have come across in life feel as if they have some right to my body. This happened again recently at a party where a refused to hug some random stranger and he got aggressive and tried to start a fight with me. It’s a bit of a revelation to know that i can actually exercise this right. And that – NO- these guys don’t have the right to touch me without my consent.
That i have the right to wear whatever the hell i want and not feel as if i have to accept ‘compliments’ by force, and my clothes do not give men the right to expect me to smile when they make sleazy comments. that i don’t have to respond to random strangers in the street out of a sense of ‘duty’ and out of fear.
It will take a while to absorb this and actually be confident about it. and to be honest it’s pitiful really, that to me and many other girls this mindset is a revelation.
No hand to drag me from the darkness,
No saviour within.
No comfort. No touch. No love.
No love. Fear.. Fear.
Darkness, No love. Lost
I don’t think My Chemical Romance saved MY life, but they bring back good memories 🙂