my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘child abuse rape’

Blocked

i don’t even know what to type. I have so many thoughts running around in my head,l yet when the time comes for me to sort it out and write nothing will come out. It’s like someone just blocked all my outlets.

I do remember early thinking about how I feel that I can’t trust men due to what every significant male in my life has put me through. I don’t mean this in a whingey ‘i hate all men’ kind of way, but as in literally every male role model i’ve had or have looked up to has let me down bitterly.

My father

My uncle

All serious romantic partners

My rapists.

I think i’ve began to lose hope in any romantic relationship current and future. I just don’t understand what the point in trusting and opening myself up to people is, if they just carve me out in the end.

Either that or I get with people to hurt them in the same way I’ve been hurt or just go for people I KNOW will hurt me in the same way again.

Tbh I’d rather not take up the second suggestion because even though i inflict hurt on myself, and behave in self-destructive ways, don’t see why anybody else should have to suffer for it.

don’t know where this mood came from, I was dancing to electro music about half and hour ago with no worries in the world. 

Moodswings. Insomnia. Numbness. It just comes when I least expect it, just like the abuse is laughing me in my face.

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