I have a friend, but sometime’s it’s an enemy
sometimes she helps me think,
at other times she helps me cry.
One day happiness
The next sorrow
One day sun
the next- a storm of hate
she comes and she goes.
there is no control
the drugs don’t keep her at bay
she wins hearts and she loses them
she shows love,
in my head there is only room for one.
i think, well actually i don’t know what i really think. the past few days have been me thinking about my feelings. i don’t understand how you can want a person who has hurt you so much or miss them. don’t really have the energy or capacity to explain right now, but i thought i would keep my promise of writing everyday because i at least deserve that.
It seems to be these days i always come out with the intention of writing about one thing but then i end up writing about a whole bunch of things together.
i might aswel start with the thing that has been bugging me the most today. one of my friends is a bit difficult to handle and today she decided to insult me. to cut a long story short when you try and reach out to someone and they constantly cut you off and reply with one word answers.. you tend to stop giving a shit.
apparently my friend does not have enough time in her day to have a conversation with me over trivial matters.
i think maybe in the past i would have let someone get away with talking to me as if my time is not worthwhile, but for some reason this made me very angry and upset. it made me feel as if i was an irritation. a silly little child. not someone who was trying to reach out to someone who was in trouble.
i am now currently trying to come to terms with the label of ‘disabled’. i think it’s a sort of stigma really which is hard to get over. being diagnosed with depression means i am classified as a disabled student, which means i am liable for certain types of support.
i think it is the whole trying to come to terms with a new identity or fitting together pieces of my life slowly and getting to know who i actually am again.
i still feel very raw from everything that has happened.
i guess things will slowly improve or fit together.. or i duno.
i probably have a lot more thinking to do
recently i was christened ‘angry’ by some friends. it’s quite a funny nickname, but then i guess behind it there is some actual truth.
the past few weeks i’ve been very angry. i’ve been starting fights, mouthing off and basically just being a bitch.
i think for me it is more acceptable to be hard and angry than upset. if you’re angry you’re not weak.
i think, i get angry until i tire myself out so much, that being upset just spills out. then to drag myself out of being depressed and to motivate myself again i get angry again.
i quite like being angry, it gives you adrenaline. it gives me a high.
but then it’s tiring. there is only so long a person can be angry for. there is only so long you can keep your guard up for. there’s only so long a person can avoid being vulnerable for
the past 2 weeks have been crazy, filled with drink and drugs and drama.
to cut a long story short i came across two men who basically were some of the finest examples of human beings being able to hide the fact that they are scum of the earth.
although my experiences were not pleasant, they have helped me to realise that i need to stand up for myself and stop letting men walk all over me for the sake of a ‘romantic’ relationship and the fear of abandonment and loneliness.
and for once in my life i did. right now i don’t feel very good about it, but in the future i’m sure i will once i get over the hurt.
sometimes in life bad things happen but i guess the only way you can survive is by being strong enough to overcome them.
abusive relationships form when you delude yourself into thinking you can change people and that people ‘need your help’ to be better people, or that you can’t find anybody better. nobody should have to stand for abuse be it mentally or physically. abuse sustains itself when people enable abuse to happen.
i for one have had enough of abusive men, and i noticed as soon as i stand up for myself, they in turn run away from me, which is something in time i will be grateful for, just not right now when i am in a depressive state.
then again change was never easy, i didn’t think i’d ever be grieving over the prospect that i’m being to find self worth and confidence.
i went for a meeting at the job centre and explained i couldn’t work tuesdays because i have counselling.
lady asks ‘counselling for what’ and looks at me as if i’m lying.
i gave her a dirty look and then responded with ‘child abuse’.
she then observes me and asks ‘how long will that last for’
i reply ’12 weeks or more, then i’m booked in for counselling at another place’
we then had a 10 minute unpleasant conversation with her acting as if i should grow up and money is more important than people’s mental health and me sitting there getting gradually angrier.
that is the first time i’ve had to tell a complete stranger face to face about sexual abuse, and it wasn’t the greatest response i’ve had. it actually made me feel as if i wanted to cry on the spot.
the moral of the story is that some people are just vile.
Today i went to my second counselling appointment. it makes me feel sad knowing how my own mother who was supposed to care and protect me , was so overcome by her own jealously and insecurity that she tried to stop me from attending counselling by attempting to guilt trip me accusing me of taking my first counsellor on as a sort of ‘surrogate mother’ whatever bullshit that is and trying to manipulate me and force me to share details of my counselling with her. if someone has never had any form of relationship with you and has never ,made an effort to, what right does it give them to demand intimate details off you and try and scare you into sharing this information with them?
none. i know this now and i knew it then. which is why i did not share and this made her angry because she did not have power to hold over me, she couldn’t force me to speak. it’s sickening. someone is in a vulnerable position and you want to use that to your advantage to hold on to your own power dynamic in a toxic relationship.
i spoke a lot about my family relationships with my counsellor today. i don’t know if i have the energy to get it all out but i will type about the most pressing issues.
i spoke of how my mother had disappointed me bitterly over and over again. when i was being bullied as a young child my mum dismissed me and told me to shut up. when my dad was physically abusing me my mother kept silent. when i attempted to over dose in front of my mum , she told me to get out of her sight. when my mother found out about my sexual abuse she screamed ‘you are not the only child i have’.
when my uncle asked on behalf of my mum how she could support me , i have her a chance. she dismissed my needs when i told her what they were. when i my mum asked for proof i was hiv negative i shouted at her asking if she even believed i had been raped. she didn’t reply.
i’m tired of feeling as if i have to make up and excuse my mother’s shortcomings. she is not child. i do not want to be stuck in this power -dynamic forever. even when she is not physically here with me or anywhere near me i still feel panicky and scared and anxious.
it has stuck with me that i am not good enough. that i cannot trust anyone. that people will always make promises and then let me down when i need to be held up. that there will always be mountains of emotional hoops for me to jump through and spectators will laugh at my attempts to reach the impossible. that i am no good. that nobody wants me, not even my mother wanted me. that she wanted me to be homeless at a time when i was most vulnerale. that she accused me of prostituting , when she was aware of my sexual abuse. that she valued the receipt of money over the wellbeing of her own daughter. that she is spineless and an utter shambles and in turn made me believe that i was spineless and an utter shambles.
i do not know if i will ever forgive my mother. all i know is that i want to run away from her and avoid her and never have to see her again.
she gives me nightmares. in a literal sense. i have nightmare daily about my mother. my body rejects sleep because it is in fear of her. even in my sleep i cannot run away from this hold because she still has it.
Last night i lost the plot and seriously started fantasizing about self-harm and how it would feel. I keep getting this weird urge in my wrist and i just feel lost and confused.
I’ve decided to cut down on the time i spend on the chatroom i used where rape survivors talk to one another.
I think the stories are triggering me too much at the moment and honestly do more harm than good. Although the people there are supportive I’m getting tired of reliving trauma every day and night. Also i think i’ve developed an addiction to it which is not helping me.
I don’t want to self harm and to be honest even the sight of menstrual blood makes me feel sick.
Bought some herbal medicine for anxiety and depression and going to start taking my sleeping pills regularly.
I’m not going to fuck of myself and my future because of 2 perverted bastards.
I was doing a bit of Psychology revision and the topic I’m on now is abnormality and Freud’s ego defence mechanism.
I have no idea why but I was reading through the list : denial, repression etc and I just got so angry.
I was angry thinking about my mother. Who always seemed to be accusing me of sleeping around. Even after she found out about the child abuse and I told her I was leaving home, she decided to accuse me of sleeping with cab drivers. Apparently this was her logic, I obviously was too stupid to know how to move out myself so I had to get a little outside help from cabbies and in return pay them back by ‘giving it up’.
I don’t think my mother developed mentally into an adult. When confronted she reacts in such a childish and pathetic way. It’s almost sickening. There was the time she played ‘dead’ in front of my 7 year old sister, and then accused her of not caring enough that she could be dead.
I don’t understand.
I feel so bad that my siblings will have to go through more of this, but I had to leave for my own sanity.
I felt a bit sad for a moment. See I used to be really close to my uncle. I thought he was helping me. In the end in turned out he was just manipulating me alongside my mum. My uncle would always tell me he loved me, yet when I needed him the most he turned around, ridiculed me and left me on my own.
I don’t understand.
I was sad because I didn’t have my uncle here to tell me everything would be ok. The same as I do not have a father here to tell me everything will be ok. But then at the end of the day my family line is not ok at all.
I don’t understand.
It just occurred to me how much time and effort my ex put into trying to make me ‘forgive him’. How he stalked my life and invaded the places were I felt safe and tainted them and made them dirty with his presence.
Not because he was truly sorry and felt bad.
But because ‘HE WANTED TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF’. He actually said this to me
Not a shred of remorse.
He then got angry and lost his temper when I told him no I will not make you feel better because I do not owe you anything. Apparently when I hold on to some dignity and self-worth I am ‘Showing my true colours’
If you use manipulation as a weapon, you are just truly pathetic.