i have recently started reading a book on self nurture. the book is helping me, although the downside to it is that everytime i read a bit i end up crying because it hits a nerve. i’ve been doing a lot of crying these days, i don’t necessarily think it is a negative thing.. i guess grief is a necessary coping mechanism..better out than in.
yesterday night i realised i cannot deal with the trauma of child abuse without first dealing with the trauma of emotional and physical abuse left by my family. it is a scary thought knowing i will have to deal with this and i can feel my natural reaction of wanting to cause drama to deflect away from resolving the real issues that i need to deal with.
in all honesty i am tired and feel as if i have drawn the short straw. all my life i have taken on the burden of feeling guilty or bad in order to stop those who have caused my pain feeling bad, whilst they go scot free. it is unfair.. why should i have to be dealing with this when they don’t. i am the one dealing with disturbing emotions, self hatred, low self-esteem , a confused mind state with no support or help, yet when i eventually come out of this the same people who caused this state will be looking to benefit from any improvements.
i will not allow that to happen. ultimately i will have to face my demons alone, if people want to offer a hand then fine.. but i don’t really want anyone else involved. i don’t know how to trust people .. my parents laid the template for that. i’m very confused and emotional at the moment. hopefully this will pass.
Lately i’ve been having dreams about having to lie about where i am or dreaming that i still live at home, feeling trapped and constrained.
then i wake up and remember that i don’t live at home anymore, and i stop panicking.
visiting my siblings sort of opened my eyes to the fact that i don’t feel very young anymore which is ridiculous as i’m 19. but i don’t feel 19 i feel as if i’ve aged beyond my years in an incredibly short space of time, which could be seen as either positive or negative.
i feel as if i’ve had to deal with things and worry about issues that most 19 year olds would not have to. i’ve been told that i don’t seem as if i’m 19 , just the other day i was told that i have ‘a wise head on my shoulders’.
the problem with not feeling your age in that i sort of feel out of sync. i don’t know if i can really feel comfortable with people who are older than me , say in their 30s onwards, but at the same time i do. i get suspicious of the motives of older men. to tell the truth i’m suspicious of the motives of most people around me these days. i don’t know if that’s just paranoia or anxiety.
for the first time in my life i seem to be drawing attention left right and centre. and also for the first time in my life i don;t really care. maybe that’s part of maturing, not being desperate for attention and feeling cynical. it’s sad but at the same time its a safeguard against hurt i suppose. i’ve been through enough recently.
listening to my body i can tell it’s under a lot of stress, although i don’t know what the source of stress is. maybe it’s another sign i need to take care of myself some more, and listen to what i need and stop worrying quite so much.
it doesn’t help that i feel as if i am being judged all the time, or that my mother is still in denial and feels the need to call me and pretend nothing at all has happened in the past few months. but at the end of the day there’s nothing i can do to control or change the way she is, so i’ve given up on that. right now i can’t really handle her, so i ‘m just going to try and figure out a way of reducing my stress levels and enjoy whatever is happening at this moment in time.