my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘abuse’

Today’s counselling thoughts

(I write this as ‘Today’s counselling thoughts’, but I made the notes for this blog post about two weeks ago, I have since completed my CBT therapy, but that will be spoken about in a future blog post)

Today I finally spoke about my abandonment issues to my counsellor. This has been something that did not begin to affect me in my adult life until I started having serious emotional relationships, I think my problems with feeling abandoned first became apparent when I was around 16 and was in a pretty dysfucntional relationship with a guy I was seeing on and off for about two years.

I originally came into this counselling session with the belief that it was my final counselling session, however it wasn’t. It always seems to be as I near the end of counselling that I am most open, this is probably due to the fact that the counselling sessions I have had have been short term counselling. I hope one day that I am able to have a long term therapist so that I am able to build up a relationship and speak openly about my problems for a longer period of time, however the short term therapy that I have received has been useful

I spoke about the issues I have with abandonment, which have stemmed from the relationship I have with the adults in my life. For some reason I can no longer type ‘parents’. It is sad, but I do not feel as if these people deserve that label. This may be a temporary thing, I am not sure, I am just working through my inner child and the relationships that I have with these individuals. It helped me realise that I have an intense fear of feeling that I am being left alone. This reaction is mainly my inner child, because as an adult I need time alone in order to work through my feelings, also naturally I am a pretty solitary person, this is what helps me to be productive and to be myself.

I think in this counselling session is when I realised that I am only human. It was quite a revelation. To realise you are only human and that you are allowed to have reactions and emotions in regard to going through abuse. For some reason I have separated myself from other people, feeling that it is normal and encouraging people to cry and be upset if they have been hurt, but not doing this myself because for some reason another rule exists for me. I think subconsciously I feel that if I cry or allow myself to feel these feelings than somehow the perpetrators of this hurt will have won. But I think by thinking in this way that they have already won because I am not allowing myself to be ‘normal’ in the sense of having human emotions and reactions.

It was around this time that I made the revelation of only being human and recognising why I struggle so much with abandonment, is when I finally explained to my bf why I am such an insecure person. (This was also linked to another event which I will not type because it is a personal event in my relationship, also it is a bit embarrassing). I feel frustrated that this abandonment continues to plague my life, but I know understand that in order to overcome it, I have to sit with the feeling of abandonment and take myself back to the place from which these feelings originate from, acknowledge these feelings and cope with them in order to be able to move on in my adult life. I do not have the answers to everything at the moment, and I do not need the answers as the majority of the time as I have found out the hard way searching for answers as to why I was treated in this way does not actually make me feel better, it just makes me feel more confused.

My counsellor said to me what I already knew in myself, the fact that encouragement must come from myself. It doesn’t matter how long I spend in therapy or how many people tell me good things about myself or congratulate me for good things I have accomplished in my life. If I cannot congratulate myself or believe that I am a good person or have confidence in myself then there is no point in me doing all this work. It is only now that I am admitting that I have done a lot of work in order to still be standing here alive and still fighting today. I am now trying to learn to be present in myself. To acknowledge that I exist and that I am living and breathing and fighting. I need to recognise positive things I have done. Some times it feels like I am banging my head against a rock, but eventually I do allow myself to be proud in what I have achieved and recognise that I have indeed achieved good things. I want to gain my confidence to be myself back. I want my life back. Those who tried to put me down and abuse me and make me hate myself do not deserve to win. I deserve to win. It is my life.

My new task is now spending time alone with myself. Recognising that spending time by myself is not a bad thing. That life with myself is not a bad thing. I now say to myself throughout the day ‘I love myself. I am a good person and I deserve good things’. I am now beginning to believe it more than I did when I first began to repeat this mantra. It is only in loving myself that I will continue to have the strength to continue to heal from abuse and to live my life to the fullest. It is a pretty difficult thing to learn when nobody has taught you how to do this, but there is no better time to start.

Lastly, I discussed the fear I have of everything going wrong and the need to be in control because of this fear. I now recognise this as anxiety. And anxiety is not real. I realise I have anxiety because my inner child is still damaged and scared and living in the past of my childhood. It is only by connecting with my inner child and facing this childhood that I can free myself from this anxiety and from consistently living in fear.

My counsellor explained to me that fear will be my initial reaction to most things due to anxiety and due to the need to stay in control, but I have to feel the fear and continue to push through it anyway. If I believe in myself and have this confidence then I can do anything no matter how scary it may seem at first glance.

Why do I never want to get out of bed?

Although I made the notes for this blog post about over a week ago, it is pretty relevant as I am writing after spending the entire day yesterday in bed depressed and thinking. I think the only people who can understand this and why this happens is those who have gone through depression themselves. It’s times like this I realise that I am unwell. And I guess sometimes I need to spend the day in bed, often after spending a day or two I feel a lot better and have managed to think through some things in my head, also for me I think it is a chance to spend time by myself away from the world.

I was questioning why I never want to get out of bed in the mornings. Of recent it has been the anxiety that kicks in. Anxiety that comes to me first thing in the morning and it says that today is going to be shit. You are shit. Everyone else around you knows you are shit and pathetic. Everyone is going to laugh at you. Your boyfriend is going to dump you because you are too stressful. You have failed in life. etc. etc. All this in probably the first minute of waking up. This is too much.I decided to counteract these thoughts by the first thing I do in the morning when I wake up is too tell myself ‘I love myself and I deserve good things’, I have been repeating this quite a lot of recent. And now it seems easier to get rid of the dark thoughts when they come. 

Sometimes when you have gone through a heavy day and wake up to a new day, it feels as if you have to face the weight of coping through another day. But I guess I have gone through a lot of crap days, so I’m guessing what lies ahead cannot be worse. I’m sure I can survive the aftermath. I know this deep down, just sometimes I do not believe it, until I have to be strong by myself and cope

I think a main factor of depression is due to being depressed, you do not want to face the day by yourself. It is the feelings of loneliness and despair that make it tough. Some days as soon as I wake up I want to cry. Maybe this is not necessarily a bad thing. I remind myself I have not really felt any emotion for the past year whilst on Prozac, this is probably my body’s natural response.

When I lay in bed , I get to remain depressed and think of how things will go wrong. In my rational mind I know this is not healthy, but at times it is only through being in bed that I can pin point what is upsetting me deeply. For instance, yesterday I read alot about looking after the inner child, rejecting parents and I reflected a lot on my childhood and my relationship with my mum, dad and uncle. This gave me a lot of insight and I was able to connect with my inner child and feel the grief and emotion that I was not allowed to feel when I was younger.

Lastly, I think the scariest thing about depression and not wanting to get out of bed is the suicidal thoughts first thing in the morning. Getting up and the first thing you think is ‘I wish I was dead’. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. And I am confident I won’t. I am out of bed today, I can get out of bed tomorrow. Hopefully this will all pass.

why?

Always searching for approval

but never my own.

Someone else’s opinion

Is always more important.

                                            Why?

 

Bending over backwards for others

Couldn’t even do the same for myself

Always 2nd class

                                                  Why?

 

Live a life apologising

Never heard the words sorry myself

Apologise for hurt caused by others

Good for nothing.

                                                       Why?

 

Jealousy.

Never live up to others

To her – to him –  everyone –

elses happiness first

nevermind.

Disgust. Not deserving of happiness.

Confidence zilch.

                                                            Why?

 

No priority for me.

Throwing the rubbish out

the past 2 weeks have been crazy, filled with drink and drugs and drama.

to cut a long story short i came across two men who basically were some of the finest examples of human beings being able to hide the fact that they are scum of the earth.

although my experiences were not pleasant, they have helped me to realise that i need to stand up for myself and stop letting men walk all over me for the sake of a ‘romantic’ relationship and the fear of abandonment and loneliness.

and for once in my life i did. right now i don’t feel very good about it, but in the future i’m sure i will once i get over the hurt.

sometimes in life bad things happen but i guess the only way you can survive is by being strong enough to overcome them.

abusive relationships form when you delude yourself into thinking you can change people and that people ‘need your help’ to be better people, or that you can’t find anybody better. nobody should have to stand for abuse be it mentally or physically.  abuse sustains itself when people enable abuse to happen.

i for one have had enough of abusive men, and i noticed as soon as i stand up for myself, they in turn run away from me, which is something in time i will be grateful for, just not right now when i am in a depressive state.

then again change was never easy, i didn’t think i’d ever be grieving over the prospect that i’m being to find self worth and confidence.

Unappreciated

It’s a sad reality in this day and age that the highest insult or hurt seems to come from someone unfriending you on a social networking profile. somehow it seems more personal and.. public?

well today i finally unfriended the last person i was romantically involved with. to tell the truth i was tried of the notifications and his attempts to make contact via the updates of mutual friends. i was angry that i am supposed to act as if nothing had happened between us and that i’m not hurt and angry. because i am hurt and angry.

i am angry because i know if i had mistreated or insulted and devalued someone in the way he had done to me then i would at least be making an effort to apologise. it just makes me feel as if i am worth nothing, pretty much the way i was made to feel indirectly when i was involved with him. i’m hurt because for some reason i am upset that i have lost this person in my life, yet it is clear they do not value me enough to attempt to check how i am or check how things are between us. it hurts knowing someone you once had feelings for and may still have some feelings for, doesn’t give a damn about you.

i’m tired of thinking to myself and hearing this person’s head in my voice. i feel as if i am going crazy. i hate imagining the insults, the lack of thought or attempts at communication from this person. i’m tired of obsessing over said person’s past relationship, because it was all we ever seemed to talk about. i feel as if this person is just another chapter from a dark, painful period of my life and although i felt happy with them for a bit, the damage that has been left overrides that.

i don’t know if i really did have feelings for this person or if i clung to the idea of the person out of loneliness, but i am now admitting to myself that they had a big impact on me and i feel scarred, lost and alone. i feel unable to trust. i feel fearful of relationships in general. i feel disappointed in myself. i still feel trapped. i don’t feel free. most of all i just feel sad.

this is not how i envisioned that things would work out. i feel as if i have lost any stability i once had. stability in the sense of i knew what would happen, i could predict what would happen and now i am not sure anymore. its pretty messed up that a few months i was wishing he would hurt me just because that’s what i knew and then i find out this person was hurting me all along. just like everyone else i had trusted was.

Games

i was planning to write a post on the element of control.

i watched a video were someone proposed everyone needs to have control over at least aspect of their lives.

actually i may as well just write the post now.

recently i’ve noticed that i’ve been ‘playing games’. these ‘games’ are generally centred around my education, i.e how much can i leave it before i’m still able to wake up in time for an exam or a support lesson? how much can i proscrastinate and not study and still make the mark that i need? 

i now these games are unnecessary and detrimental but i still have the control, because i’ve created the control. It’s not productive and i need to get out of this mindset before it becomes any worse.

recently i’ve had extra stress put on me, on top of exams, dealing with a breakup, disturbing issues being raised in conselling , i now need to find some way to get a large amount of money in orser to pay a deposit and i have 1 week to do so.

i think the saying it’s one damn thing after another is appropriate here.

i’m exhausted. i’ve spent the past two days oversleeping, waking up and then sleeping the rest of the day away because i don’t have the energy to get up.

i have niggling thoughts of self-harm coming up again.

i think my sleep periods are a sign of another depressive episode coming on.

it’s funny, because i’m trying to hold on to something but i don’t know what it is. i can’t control the future or what could happen. i don’t want to venture into the unknown but i have no choice. 

Florence Nightingale syndrome

i’ve realised why i’ve been in so many destructive relationships.

i call it ‘florence nightingale syndrome’. I don’t know if that’s a real term i picked up somewhere without realising it, but it makes sense.

it’s when you flock to people you know have problems, in the hope of ‘foxing’ them because you don’t want to deal with your own problems. they enable you to feel as if you’re correcting problems because you don’t want to deal with your own issues.

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