my healing journey

Posts tagged ‘abandonment’

Life beyond self hatred?

When I began this blog it was sort of half a personal blog for myself, and also a blog for the public. I don’t know why but I always have felt the need to broadcast my life to people in the hopes of sorting out things in my head. Obviously it is good to talk to people about your problems, but sometimes I find myself writing or acting out my life in the way I feel that other people would like. I don’t think this is good because it doesn’t particularly help me, it just puts in my head the idea that I am staring in some sort of soap drama, when in reality I am not, and really what I need to do is reconnect with myself and stop disassociating from my life and my feelings. I need to learn to live my life for myself, something I was not taught to do and now I am struggling to learn how to do.

 Yesterday I bought myself a little pocket notebook, one of those small notebooks that I can slip in my handbag and carry around with me to jot ideas down. I am using this notebook as my blogging notebook, mainly because I ask myself a lot of emotional questions and have the bad habit of overthinking and then never remembering what I was thinking about. I think it helps me to think out things but sometimes I feel I think too much and it doesn’t really get me anywhere.. perhaps that is anxiety.

Its a bit strange getting used to the idea of writing out my blog before I type it up, but I think maybe in this way I keep a bit for myself, I do it for myself, I am the first one I am writing to, I am not writing for the benefit or for the eyes of other people. I thought that it would be a good idea for me to write a personal blog for myself. I guess in this sense it is a diary, but instead I just ramble on about things. Come to think of it I don’t really understand what the difference between a blog and a diary is really, I guess a blog is just online.

anyways i guess i should type up what i wrote yesterday (saturday):-

 My problem with anxiety and depression and fantasying catastrophes for myself, the destructive high of drama and negativity reached new heights yesterday. Partly it was not all my fault, but I understand that I do need to work hard at taking care of myself and being present and off the internet and in touch with myself. I haven’t really decided what my plan is. To plan blog posts and write them up, or to generally keep a diary. i think keeping a diary I can write in, or as many different writing books as possible would be best.

  I am tired of hating myself and feeling bad and undesirable. When I am not causing myself stress of thinking that the worst is aways about to happen, of feeling that good things do not deserve to happen to me. Of never wanting to feel present in my life. As if my life is unimportant and that I need to be someone other than myself. It is a habit and an addiction and like all addictions, the negative effects are time wasting, both mentally and physically. I think the main truth if it really is I feel lost and I’m not  really quite sure what to so with myself. Perhaps this is what spurs on the need to feel miserable all the time. I need to actually be able to sit down and not be too hard on myself, I have been through alot, particularly atm and I am going through and anniversary of sorts. 

I think now the message of one day at a time, i really need to take seriously, before I push myself into another breakdown. I am finding it very hard by myself, being alone, not having constant comfort from my bf, feeling as if I will never see him again, feeling as if he will leave me and forever abandon me. The fear of abandonment, it is my biggest fear, although I will never talk about it to anyone. Never to a counsellor, never to a friend, never to my bf, never to myself really. How does a person get rid of the fear of being abandoned, when they constantly feel that they themselves are not worth sticking around for? 

I am very tired atm, I think it was the mental exhaustion from Friday, I need to rest and relax, but as soon as I think that, the first thought is to go back onto social media, on to fb, on to the internet, to feel wanted. I think perhaps recognising when I am not in a state where I feel good about myself, that it is not productive or helpful to do these things.

On reflection, the fear that my bf will disappear forever has never been made reality, I think the main problem is fear of abandonment from my mother, father and uncle, during my time of need – childhood, and my inner child doesn’t know how to cope with this. I became an adult too early and now I am confused. It is as if I have an obsession with abandonment. It causes me to fail to spend quality time with myself and it causes me to fail to understand why people would wish to spend quality time with me

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Pain

I have been on prozac for a few days now. it’s been a strange experience. i just feel sick all the time. i feel as if i am being punished for something which i haven’t caused, which is the same as usual tbh.

i am angry because i shouldn’t have to need to use medication to cope. my family are not dead,i have a family, they should be supporting me. instead they chose to look the other way and support themselves.

if your own family will not look out for you and care for you, who will?

i think this is the biggest betrayal i will have to come to terms with in my life. bigger than child abuse, bigger than the experiences surrounding me as i grew up. the fact that my own mother could not look past her own selfishness to help her own daughter after she was told about her child’s abuse. the fact that my own mother rather i was made homeless than swallow her pride and do her duty as a parent. the fact that my uncle assisted her in this.

the fact that every person i ever trusted has stabbed me in the back and i’ve been left to fend for myself.

i don’t know why this is. or why this has happened to me. but i will get through it i guess. 

it’s just hurtful

and confusing 

and lonely

this hurts more than any pain or any heartbreak i have experienced.

Glue

i’ve noticed something. It’s very important to me to feel as if i am validated by men.

when i was younger i would test to see whether i was attractive or not, judging by the amount of sleezy comments/looks i got from men when i walked out regardless of whether or not friends told me i did look good.

as i got older it became more as if it was important to me to have a relationship. that the guy came above everything. nothing else matters unless he approved of or liked something. his interests suddenly became my whole life. i was nothing with a guy

this came to my attention more recently. i got together with someone, and i’m not uite sure what is going on. maybe it’s something, maybe it’s nothing. but the main point is that i can slowly feel hysteria creeping in. if my message is not replied to, my whole mood changes. if my message is replied to, my whole mood changes. 

even i can tell that it’s not healthy to have someone i barely know have such a biug impact on my mood, through such trivial things.

i don’t know where i got this idea that the way i am treated by a man somehow says something about me.

that the guy is somehow ‘God’. that they can get away with anything they like, just because i don’t value myself enough and like the crumbs of attention i may or may not receive from them.

i’ve had enough and i now realise it’s damaging and making me available to the wrong type of people.

so i have made the choice to stay single until i can deal with being single and by myself. when i can rely on myself again instead of wanting to be surgically attached to another person due to fear of abandonment.

maybe this is due to the child abuse, maybe it’s due to abandonment as a child. maybe  it’s both. i don’t know

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