my healing journey

sorry.

Dear J,

         i am sorry for whatever you are about to do to yourself, perhaps in the near future or in the distant future. i know you are hurting right now and you are not thinking clearly and you are tired of having to be strong. but sometimes people don’t have a choice, you are who you are. some people were born strong and sometimes you have to accept that. it seems easy to give in and destroy yourself and your future and feel sorry for yourself bu that is not who you are, you will not be happy like this.

 i am sorry for the way you treat your body. i apologise for not eating for days and not drinking properly. i apologise for not showering and not brushing your teeth. i apologise for moping in bed all day until your skin becomes irritated and you end up with ringworm. im sorry for not taking care of you. im sorry that you want to become so grotesque looking on the outside because you feel that way on the inside.

i’m sorry that you hate yourself. i’m sorry you don’t love yourself. i’m sorry you don’t even like yourself. i’m sorry that you feel disgust and feel detached from your body. i’m sorry that you have never been able to have real friendships or real relationships. i’m sorry that you have never been able to accept yourself as yourself. i’m sorry that when you were 8 you asked other people to give you lessons so that they could teach you to be like them. a bad replica. im sorry that you never wanted to be yourself and mimicked other people. i’m sorry that you felt that you were so unworthy.

i’m sorry you didn’t eat properly when you were in your teens. i’m sorry that you walked alone down dark alleyways secretly hoping to be molested or attacked. im sorry older boys tried to take advantage of you. i’m sorry you used sex instead of friendship. i’m sorry you were never allowed the time to get to know anyone.

i’m sorry that you thought your father wanted to rape you. i’m sorry that you secretly wanted this to happen. i understand why now. i understand because you were confused.

i’m sorry that you were so preoccupied with sex at such an early age.

i’m sorry that you are 20 years old and having to deal with this shit.

i’m sorry this happened when you were 7

i’m sorry that you didn’t get to have a normal childhood.

i’m sorry that your family was dysfuntional and abusive

i am sorry for the child abuse

i am sorry that you are now alone

well not really alone because i am here.. but you know what i mean.

haha i’m sorry you’re writing a letter to yourself 😀

i hope one day you will be able to accept yourself and what has happened. in the meantime we can make the journey very slowly together 

lots of love, J xxxx

Comments on: "sorry." (1)

  1. Wow… I’m floored by this. What an incredible letter full of honesty and pain.

    Those of us who are reading your blog are also here with you!

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