I’ve started counselling again. this time it will be for a year.
it was pretty strange being sat there again. as if i’d graduated from the last counselling session and now was on to the next grade of counselling. as if i had moved up a level or something.
instead of my usual bravado of joking about and being loud and ‘not giving a fuck’ i was actually pretty quiet and reflective and almost cried once.
it’s always weird when i get asked ‘what i want out of counselling’, because the answer is i don’t actually know. i don’t really have a set goal or motive. i just want to not be crazy. but then i guess thats a goal but it sounds a bit stupid when i say it out loud..
i’d like to have self-esteem
i’d like to have confidence
i’d like not to be anxious all the time
i’d like not to be ruled by depression
i’d like to be able to live life at a normal pace
i’d like not to be hyperaware
i’d like to like myself
i’d like to be able to have a healthy and loving relationship with someone
i’d like to be able to have male friends
i’d like to feel worthy
i’d like not to be alone
i’d like not to feel like a child
maybe this is what i should say next time.
the whole process is very tiring. maybe this is where i put all the pieces together of everything i have remembered in the past year and come to terms with it? i just want a break. a year ago around this time is when it all started. this is probably why i’m in such a state at the moment. =/