my healing journey

Exploration

from about last weekend i’ve probably started to make up for all the partying i never had the chance to do during my adolescence.

somehow i ended up having sex with my friend and kissing a girl. i don’t know if i regret this or not, i don’t know if i particularly care. i think i worry too much and need to learn to have a good , yet safe time. i’m trying to relearn and imagine sex. i’ve set boundaries and now only do what i feel comfortable with. i came home today after spending a night at a friends house after sleeping over. i didn’t feel the need to have intercourse with him, although other things did happen. but the important thing was i knew what i wanted and what i didn’t want and i didn’t feel as if i had to push myself to please another person.

i’m trying to be brave and face life. i’ve learnt some bitter truths in the past few months/weeks and i’m just trying to continue living even in the face of setbbacks. i think i have probably been drinking a little TOO freely this past week and that’s something i need to watch. 

i just want to give myself courage to keep going on. i missed my last therapy session because i simply could not face my counsellor and i felt i had done something wrong by having casual sex and wel.. having fun. i don’t know whose standards i keep judging myself by. i remember a time when the only opinion that mattered to me was my own and if i was happy with something that was good enough. i didn’t have to impress anybody else. i want this back. i want to be autonomous again. i’m just tired of having to learn and re learn.

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