my healing journey


when you have pretty much been abandoned by those closest to you whilst trying to recover it leaves you feeling very bitter and twisted and angry at the world and everyone in it.

how can you trust anyone? you can’t even trust yourself for putting your trust in those people in the first place and expecting them to help carry or ease your burden. but then at the same time you don’t want to burden other people, because it is not their baggage to carry. nobody but yourself can experience this therefore who else is supposed to solve this problem?

i think childhood abuse has to be the biggest betrayal I’ve experienced. well it is, but it doesn’t feel like it. i feel like I’m pushing it away and covering it with other betrayals so that it doesn’t hurt quite so much, so that i don’t have to unleash the full horror that it is.

it’s funny how i can feel anger and disgust at the experiences and tales of others , but i can normalize what happened to me and almost brush it away. Like it was nothing. as if I’m nothing. Nada. Zilch

although i understand why some people choose to ignore me when i tell them what happened to me or minimize what it was or just refuse to acknowledge the information, i will not and cannot forgive anyone who has abandoned me when i most need them. i don’t generally ask for help, so when I’ve come to a point where I’ve sunk so low and try to turn to those who are important in my life and they shun/ignore me, i don’t know how to place that.

one day when I’m in a better state of mind I’ll look back and actually believe myself when i say that people’s reactions are not a reflection of me and that i am not responsible for the decisions people choose to make.

but right now i don’t fully believe that, i think to myself maybe i’m right to suffer the way i am now. maybe there was something i could have done to prevent being abused. and maybe all the betrayal, abandonment and heartache i feel right now is justified by what i have done.

i read somewhere earlier today on a forum about a woman who despised herself. she had a date and basically could not understand why this guy would chose her over a normal person. i guess normal means someone who hasn’t been ‘tainted’.

in a way i can relate to this. why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with someone so dirty, and self doubting and disgusted with their own being. someone who looks for pity and harbors in self pity,. who begs for attention and longs for companionship however bad that companionship may be. who can’t even get out of bed in the morning to shower because they feel so degraded. who breaks down at every opportunity because they feel as if they can’t cope.

i find it amazing that someone can feel all this, yet the outside world doesn’t notice and carries on as normal.

How do you NOT notice?

well actually some do notice, but not the people you want to notice.. maybe I should just be grateful for those who are supporting me right now.

anyway, the main point was that someone commented ‘you would not allow someone to say these hurtful things to you, so why do you allow yourself to?’

I don’t know..

Comments on: "Trust" (4)

  1. nicky500 said:

    I can relate to what you are saying. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse along with all the other abuse. I feel that the sexual abuse hurt me the most. You are not alone. You are a survivor.

    • thankyou 🙂 i don’t know how to describe it but i think i’m starting to trust myself a bit more which is most important. how did you cope?

  2. nicky500 said:

    When I was a child, I coped by blocking out what was happening to me. It was kinda like an “out of the body” experience. It happened so often that when it occured, I would leave my body, sorta speaking…it would be like I was observing it happening to someone else. Also, I blocked so much of the real bad stuff out. I do not remember.
    In my teen years, I blocked the pain in my heart with drugs, or I thought I was blocking it with drugs. It only made me feel worse about myself, but drinking made it easier for me to fit in with others. They did not know the extent of the damage that was done to me, so I would make believe it never did. Besides, who would believe me?
    As I began working, I went into the field of Psycology, mental health/substance abuse. I worked with adults with developmental disabilities and also worked in the Mental Health field as a case manager, and as I helped others, I was also helping myself. I was able to cope by taking my mind off of myself and thinking about others. At times, too much. If you have “been there” it is so much more comforting to the person who is hurt because they know you really do understand their feelings of hurt, self doubt, confusion, hate, anger, all that, and your able to help them.

    • i think i will go into sex education after this. well i don’t know if there is an ‘after’ but yeah. I think maybe if more children were taught what an appropriate relationship is , then more reporting of csa may be done and it might be a deterrent to offenders as they know the child will have information via education? i don’t know.. maybe.

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